My attire is shameful and I wonder
Whether the French lady will come out again
And hand me a bag of bread.
Does she know how much I’d rather
Pay for that bread instead of receiving
Them free of charge? Does she know
I’d thank her if it were not for the last bit of
Pride inside that chokes me whenever
I open my mouth?
Parts the curtains and daintily makes
Her way towards me with her usual bag.
I can already taste them and I wonder
How many of them she has put in the bag
She doesn’t smile nor does she frown
Upon handing over the bag.
The manner with which she thrust it
Upon me says take it old man and be gone.
Hunger departs for a time
and flavorful shame sits
weightily in my stomach.
I grab the bag and, as usual,
quickly depart without thanking her.
| Okay, I swear I've seen this before.|
Or you talked about it once...but it's so familiar that I knew the ending when I read the beginning.
Even though that is that....I really liked it...honestly...better than the last one.
A lot better!
It made me think, and I had a scene going through my head.
I thought that it was going to be one of your poems again talking bout the rag on your back. And I'm like, dang.! why does she always like to put it out there that we're dirt poor.?????????
I like the French lady..it's a nice touch,
YOu captured the emotion of the homeless guy when he said that he would thank her if only he didn't have too much pride. I felt like I've felt that same way before.
When yu said that the lady doesn't smile or frown was pretty cool because it seems like she's monalisa.
like..no one knows her emotions per say.
or waht she thinks of giving the poor man bread.
That's pretty messed up that he doesn't thank her though...jsut cuz he has pride..if i was the girl..I'd be like..."Foo! Get on outta here!!"
But that is just muah.
Overall, I liked it...not loved it...liked it.
|| Posted on 2007-11-12 00:00:00 | by Fearless | [ Reply to This ] || You really do a good job of getting inside the character's mind here, seeing things the way he/she might have. It's depressing how even while witnessing adversity people can be so cruel with such a kind act. It makes you wonder why they even do anything if they mean to have a negative attitude about it.|
Anyway, this is a bit longer stanza wise than your usual poems, though you use them effectively. The fact that you mention "She doesn't smile nor does she frown" and other subtle details like that really help in conveying not only the point of view of the character but the feelings and even what they are concerned with. Does that make sense?
Also...I'm not sure if you meant to do this but your 3rd and 5th stanzas have a parallel beginning. "Emerges" "Departs"
Keep writing poems like this...I like reading your poems and attempting to comment on them :)
|| Posted on 2007-11-01 00:00:00 | by Olah89 | [ Reply to This ] |