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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Angustia Unacknowledgeddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Twisted
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 159/57/75
    Words: 238
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 659
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1611



    Description:
       I'm sorry, I realize that this is perhaps my...favorite of my recent writings...definitely more deep hidden meanings. I'd like to think that my writing is improving in a mature development.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAngustia Unacknowledgeddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Burn these sheets and watch unacknowledged lust go up in flames,
    lips formed around crashed words, the ashes are all that remains.
    let the wind carry away the pain and guilt, passion built,
    and fallen, I feel you on my fingertips, stretching, and ever searching,
    Always grandeur is fabricated; your eyes flash in the flickering light,
    candles forever playing cruel tricks on half-seeing eyes.
    Golden skin tickling in anticipation, open-mouth kisses placed ever-softly, fleeing
    hands sending shiver shocks of something hot and real, resembling passion.
    Dark hooded eyes reflecting and taking only the best photographic lies,
    in silence dance as two painted hearts beat in gun-chamber rhythm.
    Cooling wrath and startled reasonless moans resonate within an empty room
    playing melodies just to hear an echo of being ashamed of who we love.
    Nothing hurts when you donít feel too real, and itís obvious these words are hollow lies,
    though you wish with too big fantasies, and expect for me to strip bare,
    I maintain my dignity, naked and clashing for you
    upon grating sheets of naÔve lust, shadows are indented;
    bodies remain rocking in envious betrayal, adultery pained.
    You might love me, yet instill my heart is dangled, empty and viciously demanding,
    my aching thighs clenching, parchedly passion drank contently spread in viewing pleasure;
    the burning addiction as all desired taken, nothing received or recovered
    but wingless heartache as used chemical ruin.




    Submitted on 2007-10-31 00:40:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think you need more periods/full stops.
    when i read this quite a few of your commas struck me the perfect place for periods instead. i suck at punctuation but when i read this there are places that require something more substantial than a pause.




    Burn these sheets and watch unacknowledged lust go up in flames[,]
    lips formed around crashed words, the ashes are all that remains.
    let the wind carry away the pain and guilt, passion built,
    and fallen[,] I feel you on my fingertips, stretching, and ever searching[,]

    the [,] are the ones that i think could be periods. when i read this i think that short crisp sentences will have more of an effect and build your imagery [which is wonderfully created for the most part] up better.


    Always grandeur is fabricated

    this line here is a little hard to get my head around. the phrasing strikes me as a little awkward. but i really like the image... the fabrication of grandeur...


    resembling passion.

    i love how you added this line in. its so tiny it could easily be missed but it weighs so much and brings a whole new light to the encounter.

    im not sure the end is as powerfully delievered as it could be. im not sure. it just doesnt end with the power i think it could.

    your imagery is good, as i have already said, though i feel it gets a little too mangled toward the end with the bringing in of you and me and how its all working.

    am i correct in thinking that the actions happening in this piece are being performed by persons who are with other ppl...? that this is somewhat adulterous and wrong? [playing melodies just to hear an echo of being ashamed of who we love.]

    i think you are onto something good here.
    keep working at it
    | Posted on 2007-11-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]


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