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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Life Forgottendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: xXCptn_SephyXx
    ASL Info:    22/f/PA
    Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 46/119/104
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Misc/Depressed
    Total Views: 622
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 558



    Description:
       


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    dotsLife Forgottendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Falling to the floor,
    Time slowly slips away.
    Should have never ate that toxic candy,
    Everything was fine,
    Just needed time and space to fly.

    But she could not understand,
    Everything was given to her,
    Life from her parents,
    A chance to become what her dreams portrayed,
    Once in a life time experiences,
    All too heavy,
    She refused to accept.

    Can not breathe,
    Life becomes drained.
    No longer able to eat,
    She vomits her punishment.




    Submitted on 2007-11-01 17:13:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i think you could prolly create more imagery for this piece. im not sure. it strikes me as a little void of anything.

    but i like your way of showing the reader that this person really had nothing to be unhappy about. potentially this wasnt a suicide so much as an accident... not thinking through the consequences of poisonous candy [to which i am assuming you mean a drug of some sort?]

    i think, when given everything without working for it, there is less chance of learning that life is all about consequences. if you spend your pay before next payday then you dont have any money. it seems that kids who get given everything become indifferent to authority and rules etc. invincible perhaps?

    so interesting idea but i think it could be delivered better.
    | Posted on 2007-11-01 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Good portrayal of a teenagers reaction to a bad situation. Completely forsaking all their blessings and potential just because one really lame thing happens in life. This poem hits really close to home. The concept is definately something that your audience will relate to and sympathize, so good topic. The last line is very strong, gross and severe. I enjoy that the transitions from line to line do not use "and" etc. to travel to the next. Some lines are abrupt, and it's cool when poetry does that. I must say that time slipping away could have been written better, but hey, still a pretty good ride. toxic candy, i'm assuming is like E or something. Good euphemism (?), good to not say things straight out. Many kids resort to drugs in hard times. NOt me. WOOOOOO. hopefully you neither. Good job.
    | Posted on 2007-11-01 00:00:00 | by jesus etc. | [ Reply to This ]
      Ooo. Yikes. That's really sad.
    I love it.
    The last line couldn't be more perfect. You're very creative.
    I don't even know what to say. There are no words this time.

    It's beautiful.

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2007-11-01 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]


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