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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Rendezvousdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: bonita2689
    ASL Info:    18/f/in
    Elite Ratio:    3.86 - 42/58/33
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 54
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 561



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRendezvousdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My bleeding pen consoles me
    like candy it flows so sweet and freely
    thoughts tangled, entwined, sickly and morbid
    coating the paper with fantasies of passion and hatred
    greeting a midnight sky with an unfriendly welcome
    praising lovers of two wicked evils
    poisoning the holy
    but giving birth to glory
    a ballad of bloodied tears
    sweet sonnets that reflect our fears
    a skewed painting, my canvas glitters worlds unseemly
    enchanting it's followers with darkness that gleams




    Submitted on 2007-11-01 22:52:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok first of all, things I liked:

    I love metaphors, and you have lots of them.
    You like to play with words.
    Your meaning is clear.

    I think it feels a little jumbled and disconnected, though. I realize that may have been the objective, but I still think there's a way to have organized chaos.

    "like candy it flows so sweet and freely"

    and I really really really dislike this line. The rest of your poem is more somber and has a slightly darker feel to it, which makes this line feel out of place. Also, I have never seen a candy that "flows." You very obviously have a good vocabulary, and I'm sure there are better verbs out there.

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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