On The Way to the Masquerade by Secrets Unheard

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Submission Name: On The Way to the Masquerade dots

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Author:	Secrets Unheard
ASL Info:	18/m/nj
Elite Ratio:	4.25 - 84/101/48
Words:	138

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	130
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	691

Description:
It's in quotes because I took it from a song. Saosin is the band. Also because I want it to be like...someone was there and saw the accident.

On The Way to the Masquerade dots

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The sunset in my rear view mirror sets pine trees ablaze.

Division amongst the heating system spreads majestic warmth about the interior.

Eyes droop from tingling sensation but the road's still clear, the road's still clear.

crash.

The crystalline pieces of glass freeze before they rush at my face, daggers out.

My upper body becomes ball room attire.
Shimmering and shining with tiny crystals.

A red gown sown together with ligaments and nerves.

"I can tell there was an accident here earlier."

Submitted on 2007-11-02 09:57:50 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  This is so eerie but in a good way like catching your parents having sex at least now you know they still have the hots for each other. Yeah that was a little out there but i really did like this. The format of it was just wonderful.

Good one,
Jay.
| Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
  gruesome.
this almost seems more like the start to a much longer piece...
just seems kind of abrupt.
what did the crasher crash into?
more of the different sensations that take place upon impact.
is the crasher dead?
does the crasher know he/she is dead?
how does the witness know of the accident?
wreckage?
blood?
maybe you could make the witness the crasher him/herself,you know looking down on the scene of their own messy scene.
just an idea.
good start.
i just think there should be more somehow.
good then.
1
| Posted on 2007-11-03 00:00:00 | by eno1 | [ Reply to This ]
  After the crash, when you are frozen on the glass, I would add more. Not alot, but more. Like airbag dust. Airbag dust really blows, I didn't know it existed until it enveloped me, course I was also fairly confused since my glasses flew off.

On second thought, second reading rather, if you added it would take away. You would have to bulk up the rest of it.

I liked the crash. Fast and shortlived, just like it is.

My only advice that I won't second guess is that you should prune any unnecessary words. Mainly the's and a's, like here--

sets the pine trees ablaze
sets pine trees ablaze
and here
spreads a majestic warmth
spreads majestic warmth
and here
The crystalline pieces of glass freeze
Crystalline pieces of glass freeze

The statements are bolder and stronger this way. Also this line--

Eyes droop from tingling sensation, but the road's still clear, the road's still clear.
-when you use comma's like that you should be able to take the middle out and still have a complete and correct sentence. It may not be an issue, but it will make some stumble and break the spell. It's also the only line where I would interject more words, like 'My' and 'a'.

Well that's all I got. Overall I enjoyed reading it quite a bit. I only comment on things I really enjoy reading though.
| Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by ruinedsnapshots | [ Reply to This ]
  Saosin... One of those motherf*ckers is a real a**hole. My camera was AWESOME, damnit!!
He doesn't know.

Sorry. We have unresolved issues. Haha.
But on to my comment...

I love it. You really never fail to amaze me.
Every word is just too perfect.
I like the way you used the quote. It works very nicely.

Nothing I can say will even come close to the compliments you deserve... so I'm just gonna add this to my favorites and be on my way.

Beautifully done.

-nikkki
| Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by Razor2TheRosary | [ Reply to This ]
  Well quite honestly, the quoted line may have inspired the poem, but I think I'd like it better without it.

"cristaline"- crystalline

I also think crash should have some more substance to it. Not a lot, because I agree it should be sudden, but it seems like it just got thrown in there as an after thought, like you were preoccupied with writing about after the crash and then said "oh, i better mention the actual incident now" maybe even just a beefier word, like collision?

but otherwise I really liked this. It's really original, and I love the visual of your face becoming ballroom attire. That line was pretty much genius.

Keep writing
~Venia
| Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]

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