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    dots Submission Name: Hometown Boy (revision)dots

    Author: annie0888
    ASL Info:    49/f/LA
    Elite Ratio:    4.76 - 327/382/122
    Words: 170
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 927
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1058


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHometown Boy (revision)dots

    There’s a guy in our town who showers Mondays under a waterhose

    in back of the local country club. His supper is half-eaten

    sandwiches and hardened fries scraped from China plates.

    Some days he gets a jelly doughnut with one or two bites gone;

    he’s never minded sharing.

    He dined with the mayor just last week on leftover sea bass and tiramisu.

    He thinks a lucky omen is to spot a partial birthday cake still in its box

    happy birthday, madam, he prays before partaking, and pats his mouth after

    with a lipstick-smeared over-the-hill cocktail napkin.

    At the end of our shift, we waitresses drink and linger at the service door,

    raising a glass to our hometown boy from a half-drunk

    bottle of Dom Perignon, while wedding guests stagger to their cars,

    and the moon shines full and golden on us all.

    Submitted on 2007-11-02 15:49:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      yes. that was me below, and i did like it. i do like it. it appears i'm very tardy or maybe you had taken yourself away and appeared out of the loop.

    not to be tit for tat, but i don't like the way that this is set out.

    it looks like schoolwork from a c student, however i do like the way that it reads
    and if you were to alter that too much i would so to hell with its form.

    it's 2011 now, that comment i made was in 2009. i like that the work resides just where it stood.

    the only thing that i'd say is maybe the lipstick on the napkin is too fine of a point.

    i like that this is humble as shoes and works with understatement.

    outside, smoking just now, i was thinking that i do like how you have it set out, it's that you can't judge a book by its cover thing, and you are working with sparseness.

    that's what makes it, what makes the end quite golden.

    if i may add comment: thank you for the critique on my poem. i think it has forced me to some improvement. a writer-type can appreciate that.

    (i've made no adjustments yet.)

    thanks, for this again,
    i agree, it's a poem.

    | Posted on 2011-02-12 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      This is humbleness, and craft at work using the barest of colors.

    sorry for the short comment, but it about broke my heart.

    the closing is wry and humbler still in it's half empty salute.


    the structure is great because the poem just is...it doesn't set out to appear creative or pretty.

    I did stumble on a few enjambments and will return with some thoughts...

    I'm off to bed and shaking my head at the caliber of some of the work lying around at this site.

    | Posted on 2009-03-29 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      P.S if my comment didn't make sense, it's because i'm surviving off of 1 and a half hours of sleep.
    | Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by jesus etc. | [ Reply to This ]
      raising a glass to our hometown boy from a half-drunk

    bottle of Dom Perignon,

    i think t would sound better if you said "raising a glas of dom perignon to our half-drunk hometown boy" but that's just what i would do.

    as for what you did, i think it was absolutely wonderful. i love reading about people, those slice of life writings about the characters we encounter in life that leave an impression upon us without doing anything astounding but by just being zany. i think this story is wonderful. you have done with this man what i would like to do with everyone around me, but i cannot describe or write apiece that would do their livelihood or lack thereof, justice. this character of yours is loveable and capricious. i don't know what he'll do next. in my head he's still existing and doing really weird things. i think you've created another imaginary friend that i must add to my collection.

    i'll be reading your other writes.
    | Posted on 2007-11-02 00:00:00 | by jesus etc. | [ Reply to This ]

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