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    dots Submission Name: Just Once More, Before You Godots

    Author: blu_kittin
    ASL Info:    20/F/Garden of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    6.15 - 711/397/207
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 1033
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 444

       eh, unsure of this one
    help me out, yo

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust Once More, Before You Godots

    hold me just once more before you go
    let my world go up in flames
    let me breathe in the taste
    of how it is to live

    touch me just once more before you go
    tell me everything is ok
    tell me that you are there
    to help me through the pain

    kiss me just once more before you go
    make it burn into my soul
    make me see your heart
    and all it holds

    Submitted on 2007-11-02 16:23:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Nothing is more touching and romantic than the moment of parting, or the leaving of a loved one. That moment is an eternity of need and yearning, and the hopelessness of anticipated loneliness; of being left alone for hours, days, weeks, eternity....; separation from the one we love. Our needs seem to rush together and condense like a hungry crowd desperately seeking attention...

    Much talent is shown here, and the poem evokes raw emotions that are part of the human composition.

    Nice work, Kitten!
    | Posted on 2011-01-04 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      There is a pattern of assonance in the line endings; if that is deliberate you are clever, and if it was not deliberate then you are talented!

    In that "hidden rhyme" scheme, I noticed one odd line, ending with "life". The assonance depends on O and A sounds, so that word "life" sort of bumped when I went over it ...
    | Posted on 2008-01-21 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I love how the use of flames is put in this poem.
    Makes you feel the urgencie of the passion .
    Wonderful longing poem.
    Keep up the great work.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2007-12-17 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one. I agree with eno1, I think you should drop the lines with "just".
    I would also suggest not using repitition for this one, like in the lines
    "hold me just once more before you go
    let my world go up in flames
    let me breathe in the taste
    of how it is to live"

    I would write

    hold me once more before you go
    as my world goes up in flames
    and I taste the bitterness of this
    singed existence

    I might have gotten carried away at the end, but it was just a suggestion.
    I definately feel what you're trying to get across, and I think it's pretty good.
    I believe the piece could be great with a few minor tweaks.
    I enjoyed the read.

    | Posted on 2007-11-15 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]
      firstly i would drop the "just" from the title and the lines that contain "just".
    "hold me once more before you go" for example reads much cleaner.
    i think i would change "let my world..." to "make my world..."
    and maybe make "of how it is to live" to "of what it means to live".
    the "it"makes me think "it" is trying to find out how to live.
    s2 may be wishful thinking but for me anyway the fact that you ask the subject to tell you that they are there when you know they are leaving,hence "before you go" didn't make much sense.
    maybe change "make me see..." to "let me..."
    overall i think this is a good idea and start but the whole lover leaving thing can become quite cliché if you don't really dig in and make it your own somehow.
    maybe some background on why this person is leaving or where they are going...
    be passionate.
    good start.
    good then.
    | Posted on 2007-11-03 00:00:00 | by eno1 | [ Reply to This ]

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