There is a pattern of assonance in the line endings; if that is deliberate you are clever, and if it was not deliberate then you are talented!
In that "hidden rhyme" scheme, I noticed one odd line, ending with "life". The assonance depends on O and A sounds, so that word "life" sort of bumped when I went over it ...
I love how the use of flames is put in this poem.
Makes you feel the urgencie of the passion .
Wonderful longing poem.
Keep up the great work.
Kelley Frost
I like this one. I agree with eno1, I think you should drop the lines with "just".
I would also suggest not using repitition for this one, like in the lines
"hold me just once more before you go
let my world go up in flames
let me breathe in the taste
of how it is to live"
I would write
hold me once more before you go
as my world goes up in flames
and I taste the bitterness of this
singed existence
I might have gotten carried away at the end, but it was just a suggestion.
I definately feel what you're trying to get across, and I think it's pretty good.
I believe the piece could be great with a few minor tweaks.
I enjoyed the read.
firstly i would drop the "just" from the title and the lines that contain "just".
"hold me once more before you go" for example reads much cleaner.
i think i would change "let my world..." to "make my world..."
and maybe make "of how it is to live" to "of what it means to live".
the "it"makes me think "it" is trying to find out how to live.
s2 may be wishful thinking but for me anyway the fact that you ask the subject to tell you that they are there when you know they are leaving,hence "before you go" didn't make much sense.
maybe change "make me see..." to "let me..."
overall i think this is a good idea and start but the whole lover leaving thing can become quite cliché if you don't really dig in and make it your own somehow.
maybe some background on why this person is leaving or where they are going...
be passionate.
good start.
good then.
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Submission Name: Just Once More, Before You Go
