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Submission Name: Not Here dots

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Author:	Indelible_ink
ASL Info:	18/F/AZ
Elite Ratio:	5.7 - 141/107/23
Words:	299

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	83
Average Vote:	3.0000
Bytes:	1694

Description:
This is poem on my feelings about the neglect I experienced growing up. I never written a poem on it because it was something that took me awhile to come to terms with and label it how it is. Something that I've finally stopped making excuses for or stopped being so angry about.

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Not Here

There are things that we never said aloud or never said face to face
Fill in this blank with another silence; make lousy madlibs, you and I
I can say I always felt there was a place with dotted a shape of you
Says “Place her here” right in the middle like puzzle left to die

It didn’t take a science to figure out that you’re not here
But I wish the reason could be explained by scientific facts
One where neither you and I are to blame
But some chemical in the brain that left you cold as a draft

The many times where pleasure seemed to be your true love
And I was that almost-stranger that you said hi to now and then
Wish we were a fairy tale that always ended happily ever after
Yet, we never had a beginning; we’re never going to get an end

That wall, which so many times, I thought would be gone
But it just morphed into something else taller and harder
I used to knock on the outside sometimes calm or in hysterics
Now I walk away, your love, I’m now too tired to barter

Though, I just can’t get my foot out of the door,
I imagine my gravestone will act as a doorstop symbolizing my need
I want to deny I don’t need you but guilt seems to play dirty
The feeling that you need me crops into my conscience like weeds

I don’t want to become you, selfish and insensitive
I don’t want any regrets when you lie on your deathbed
It doesn’t stop all the things left unsaid but I think you know
About all the silent pain, silent screams and the tears left unshed

Submitted on 2007-11-03 02:06:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Something like that merits a reaction segment, I think. There's no other way to start.

...It's hard to know what to say about a piece like this. I'm afraid I can't even say that I sympathize, because I never felt so abandoned; I was lucky, I think, in that I always had someone ready to hear me out. Only that I'm glad you've come to terms with things. Nothing worse than an old wound that refuses to close.

Now for the unbiased review.

First off, I notice grammar problems. You'll want to proofread a few times to make sure you got everything. Reason I say that is because in any form of writing, punctuation and spelling errors are going to distract the reader from what's actually happening in the piece--especially in poetry, which is all about getting a strong point across in fewer words. In other words, you make it harder to focus on that way--which for something heartfelt like this is a real shame.

The metaphors in the first stanza--the dotted line and the puzzle--are strong, but it feels awkward. The last line in particular doesn't seem to convey a thought properly--like you cut out some major part of the sentence to keep your line the right length. I think you might want to think about rephrasing it.

Again, in the second stanza, you've got good thoughts going. Unfortunately, the last line is an incomplete thought the way it's written, and rather disjointed, where I think it was meant to be a continuation of the thought in the third line. Again, the cure is to rephrase.

The third stanza works properly. Good. I'll remark that it feels like you're trying to cram too many stressed syllables into it, especially in the last two lines, but that's something you have to listen for. I'd recommend reading your poems aloud before you post them, to see if there's a problem in there. I do that, myself.

"That wall, which so many times, I thought would be gone
But it just morphed into something else taller and harder
I used to knock on the outside sometimes calm or in hysterics
Now I walk away, your love, I’m now too tired to barter"

This stanza has serious jump-around issues. You have a nice choice of metaphor in the unbreakable wall, but it seems like the sentences are garbled. Something in the syntax is throwing me off; I think it needs to be rephrased to flow properly.

"Though, I just can’t get my foot out of the door, cemented it seems
I imagine my gravestone will act as a doorstop symbolizing my need
I want to deny I don’t need you but guilt seems to play dirty
The feeling that you need me crops into my conscience like weeds"

The inversion of sentence structure in the first line is unnecessary, since you're not completing a rhyme on 1 and 3. The third line threw me off with the double negative (deny/don't need you). This is my favorite stanza, though. The idea of a headstone acting as a doorstop and the imagery of weeds works very well.

Finally, the conclusion acts as a solid conclusion--which is tough to do. And it has no errors that I can see, also good.

All I can say is that, as long as you're still fighting not to become that which you don't want to be, you haven't become it yet. I really think you'll do better. After all, caring what you become is the first step.

--crimson

| Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by crimson echo | [ Reply to This ]
It was very diffrent.I know usualy when poeple say that it means their just trying to find SOMETHING nice to say.But thats no it in this case.The reason a dont say anything else is because your style is so diffrent than mine. So it would be hard to give .....how do you call it "building compliments".No,but I really like your work your expressing yourself, but I feel as though I can relate to what your saying.

Thanks for the read.

The girl who cried wolf to much.
| Posted on 2007-11-04 00:00:00 | by BlueTorcher | [ Reply to This ]

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