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hopeful future


Author: Sharati_hottie
ASL Info:    20/ Female / MICHIGAN
Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 86 /81 /90
Words: 63
Class/Type: Poetry /Political
Total Views: 1589
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 426



Description:




hopeful future



Born in fear, Raised in sin,
our lives, NOW, are very dim,
Truth be told, we're not done,
If we're willing, to unite as one,
This woulrd is fucked, this we know,
It will get better, the stories told,
If we unite, this world will change,
our very lives will re-arrange,
We're not done, We will prevail,
Those hopeful futures, We'll soon unveil.




Submitted on 2007-11-03 03:07:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  hm. You have a nice style here. I think it's a very appropriate rhyming scheme, and a good length. It needs a bit of polishing, though. You use a lot of commas where they aren't at all necessary. I'd say back off them just a bit. If you want to make the pauses obvious, I'd say go for a new line. like, as opposed to

"Born in fear, Raised in sin,"

write it as

"Born in fear,
Raised in sin,"

"If we're willing, to unite as one,"

I have issues with that line, one because it's too long and doesn't fit the flow and two because you use the word unite again later in the poem. I'm not fonding of using other people's lines in my poems, so I'll leave it up to you on how to remedy that.

this has a lot of potential.

keep writing
~Venia

| Posted on 2007-11-04 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]


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