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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Light and Lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aaron Felix
    ASL Info:    17/m/USA
    Elite Ratio:    4.18 - 141/148/71
    Words: 174
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 121
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1204



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLight and Lifedots
    -------------------------------------------



    Light and life dwell
    on the corner of a fence.
    Here they were, at an intersection
    between four walls:
    Two real, two infinitely
    imaginary. this is why
    we're either always(

    in a mind dream,
    out a lie-off. Oh, yeah.)

    Life and light:
    "Ah was g'wine to say! Ah do believe
    all pretty ladies is invariably wearin'
    some favo'rite color."

    life and dark:
    This is a moment
    out of the corner of
    my eye.
    Jack had a flashlight
    that couldn't illuminate everything
    at once and
    so the cave ate him;

    light and death:
    That old fallacy that there's a tunnel.

    death and dark (in a room):
    Tapping my toes,
    drip drop,

    Am I (or are there
    billions of others?)
    the only damned soul
    tapping away
    and feeding a growing,
    roaring echo
    until my ability to
    comprehend is unceremoniously
    scraped away by the
    psychological
    equivalent of a
    dental hygienist.




    Submitted on 2007-11-03 03:54:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I just couldn't leave this poem with just that one critical review...

    This really is one of my favorites. I like your structure-less structure--it's like a building with unconventional architecture and odd colors of paint, but it's beautiful and thoughtful and when people see it they say, "How does the architect keep it standing? He must be a genius."

    I like your switch-off of phrases too. Life and dark, light and death. Plus it all has a kind of cynical tone to it, a very sarcastic voice that if it was colored would be a kind of green. Jaded green. (haha...) I am also very fond of your parentheses.

    The ending is without description. Mostly I love the images, the way there is suddenly a roar in my ears that soemthing between white noise, and the ocean. I love how I kind of cringe thinking about a dental hygenist. I hate the word scrape. I like it the poem but I hate the word. I hate the feeling. Therefore...

    I love this. But I think you already knew that.

    And my favorite lines:

    (

    in a mind dream,
    out a lie-off. Oh, yeah.)
    | Posted on 2008-02-20 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
      (

    in a mind dream,
    out a lie-off. Oh, yeah.)


    This is poor structuring. If you are going to start a new stanza, at least finish your sentence, and more importantly, keep your sentence, especially if it's in brackets, in one line. Also, this sentence was hard to follow.

    Try to capitalize. For example "life and dark." You are trying to indicate a new idea in your poem, so, the least you can do to keep up in tune is make the title more significant. You did it for the other ones before, so stay consistent.

    (or are there
    billions of others?)
    the only damned soul


    The sentence in brackets should come at the end. You answered your own question, but proceeded to question it anyway. Also, try to alleviate the use of brackets. Brackets are meant to hide some figures, but the figures you are presenting are needed in the poem.

    Dental hygenist- nice comparison, but put a question mark at the end.
    | Posted on 2007-12-01 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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