Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A perfect frost.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: UnderlinedInRed
    ASL Info:    16/f/Beijing
    Elite Ratio:    4.16 - 177/240/109
    Words: 148
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 107
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 948



    Description:
       its weird. random. morbid. havent written in a long time, so i'm trying to get back into the swing of things.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA perfect frost.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The powder mask,
    whose white disguises me,
    Snow like, covers me hole,
    Engulfs me, like a windstorm,

    And yet I breath,

    Oh how much I wish it would just take me.
    Summon me to a place where I can no longer remember.
    Remember why I felt the need to leave at all.

    Yet I've changed,

    The words which once strengthened my physique,
    Strangle my accomplishments, to a standstill,
    a hault in my history, to leave time, space,
    To change. When all around me is pushing,
    Walls around me closing, white, bright and yet destructive, dangerous.
    The whiteness blends, until an aurora of crimson spews out of my chest.
    The walls of a once perfect frost,
    Now are laced with a tormented loss.
    And so those nights where I sleep so still.
    I wait for my words to then forfill,
    Those fantasies of mine.




    Submitted on 2007-11-03 22:21:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      do/did you have another alias on this site?
    your pic looks familiar lol.


    first piece of advice: put your work through a spell check before submitting it.

    Snow like, covers me [hole] = whole
    And yet I [breath] = breathe
    a [hault] in my history, = halt?
    wait for my words to then [forfill] = fulfil? i cannot work this word out... its 3am and im dead but not able to sleep lol.

    i think this piece could be worded more simply.
    you could prolly employ punctuation in a more effective manner to create more of a building of images rather than a stop start feel that currently exists.


    The powder mask,
    whose white disguises me.
    Snow like, covers me hole.
    Engulfs me, like a windstorm.

    i think instead of periods at the end of these lines you could prolly have commas instead.

    maybe give a little more thought to stanza breaks? i think this piece could benefit from them


    The powder mask,
    whose white disguises me.
    Snow like, covers me hole.
    Engulfs me, like a windstorm.

    And yet I breath,

    Oh how much I wish it would just take me.
    Summon me to a place where I can no longer remember.
    Remember why I felt the need to leave at all.

    Yet I've changed,

    The words which once strengthened my physique,




    those two 'and yet ive...' lines would be stunning if they stood alone. they bring a lot of weight to the piece and i think if you dont give them the space they need to cause the reader to realise that things have changed and are different then they will just hurry through the piece and miss everything you are tyring to say.

    it seems in the last few lines you have started rhyming... im not sure if this is on purpose or not but its something to be aware of and try to avoid mid piece.

    good luck getting back into writing
    | Posted on 2007-11-04 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      My first impression of this is that of an actress that's suffered a great loss, or is in the process of losing something. It seems that while she carries a perfectly 'white mask' on stage, she agonizes as dramatically in personal life as she does in the theatre....you may have been trying to suggest a completely different scenario, but this is what I felt personally.....

    While the title you have is fitting for this piece, might I make an alternate suggestion? How does a title of 'A once perfect frost' strike you? As poignant as this piece is, I think it should have just as moving a title. Am I making sense?
    As a last note, it's always pleasing to see someone return to the world of writing!

    | Posted on 2007-11-04 00:00:00 | by Trufflepiggy | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.