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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Holding Myselfdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    7.33 - 65/34/38
    Words: 297
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 119
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1908



    Description:
       I revised edition of a poem.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHolding Myselfdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Yesterday I saw you.
    Sitting there all alone.
    I wanted to comfort you.
    But remebered that you had moved on.


    This morning I thought of you.
    As I sat in the darkness.
    I called out but recieved no answer.
    As if no one cared.


    I sat down to work.
    But you know I couldnt.
    Since the thought of you.
    Was burned into my mind.


    I went back in time.
    To that faitful day.
    Wondering at how far we had strayed.
    Its pains me to see the joy on our face.


    I trusted all and so did you.
    Thinking no one.
    Could ever come between us two.
    Until that day,Ill never forget.


    My friend.
    The one who alawys helped me.
    Reach my dreams and my goals.
    Was the one I should have never told.

    I little bump in the road.
    So she lended an ear.
    A trusted friend who I held dear.
    I should have known,I really should.


    I hear rumors all night and day.
    Wondering around as though in a play.
    Forgotten my lines and looking out.
    Into the eyes of hell,oh...I only wish.


    My friend.
    My foe.
    My confident.
    Has ruined my love.


    Has twisted my words.
    And molded them to her whim.
    Her every wish and command.
    To they do attend.


    Can anger, hurt ,and pain.
    All play together in one game.
    If so than I am the target .
    With no way out.


    I sit down the pencil.
    As tears cloud my vision.
    A friend, I say.
    I have no friends.


    I had them once.
    But then I was betrayed.
    How quickly things change.
    When your playing the love game.




    Submitted on 2007-11-04 00:13:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      why luv?
    why not love?
    i dont know. it seems to distract from the piece for me.

    as a whole it is hard to write about lovers who have moved on while we dont feel we have because it seems so many people in the past have written about such things. poetry, plays, movies, songs. all about how hard it is to move on. and this makes it hard to make our attempts sound original.

    when i read this i thought of so many different songs... especially 'if you see me walking down the street /and i start to cry /each time we meet walk on by/ walk on by /just make believe you dont see the tears'

    i think you could prolly make this piece more original and quite easily. i say this because you are writing about a relationship YOU have been in. a relatioship in which YOU experienced things no one else can experience.
    why not try to add little bits of that relationship into this piece? show the reader why it has been so hard for you to move on. what is it you miss? what song do you hear that makes you think of him? what do you wish you could tell him through the day like you used to? private jokes/dreams the two of you shared perhaps?
    put more of yourself into it. you cannot go wrong if you do.

    i wasnt so sure that the 4 line stanzas worked so well but i can see that the first four are all focussing on a different part of the day or a different activity which marks time progression. and the progression of time is a painful thing when it moves so slow, when all we can see is what has been and not what is here now or what is to come.

    hope it gets easier.
    | Posted on 2007-11-04 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]



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