Description: Humbly speaking, I really think this piece has potential...but, meep O.O I is stuck trying to find that potential...I need your help here, dudes and dudettes! Be completely honest and nonbashing, if you could...
I'm looking for grammatical stuffs, typos, sentence structure, paragraph structure, and the like. I really want this piece to be polished!.....*goes off to write some more....*
"Take this home with you" -------------------------------------------
I looked at the plate of chocolate chip cookies before him.
"Take this home with you," she told him.
But as she turned to go back towards the bakery oven, her hands trembled, her chin wrinkled. A grin persisted, mouth drawn up in a stitched expression, attitude perfectly screaming
'I'm on the edge, and I will jump.'
He sat motionless.
She wanted him to take the cookies home. But as I sat at the other end of the room sipping the Mocha, I realized he didn't have the strenght to get up and take the plate. And she didn't have the willpower to turn around and offer a simple goodbye. I could see the high rise of her cheek bones, which meant she still must have been hanging on to a smile's silhouette.
Yeah I agree with what fiery whisper wrote. Theres nothing really interesting or striking about the well...I dont know what to classify it as. I'm not saying its bad, its just extremely simple. Its hard to even tell whats so difficult about excepting a plate of cookies. Also it seems like it takes place in a shop, in a normal everyday sorta of cafe. Why there? Why then? And if they were really meeting for the last time, then why would they pick a cafe to meet? I dont know...it just doesnt seem extremely realistic to me.
Its not bad though, really. I just think there is so much more you can add.
I dont see much potential here, though if you changed it more, it could come to that. It seems to be a very simple passage from some longer story, or one of those random writes. Quite ordinary.
I dont find a special burden/interest on the chocolate chip cookies, though I feel that you are trying to put some on it. It appears to be the central theme, although it doesnt quite tie everyone else to it. It doesnt have the element of enigma, or attention, or importance that makes the reader think or wonder.
Also I find the transition to the first person very awkward and rough. It almost feels as though someone else took the story and jumbled thoughts in. It is possible to do that switch more smoothly, which would make the nano tale more reasonable and interesting.
1.) Who is the I? You change from the first to third person for both characters. Be sure to check which pronouns belong with which person. I'm going to assume, however, that the "I" is a third person watching this.
If this is correct, you might want to make a reference as to how "I" got there. There are so many possibilities here that you need to tailor them down to a single reason.
Is the ghost of Christmas past showing a memory from a few years back?
Does "I" own the building that the action is taking place?
Is "I" related to either character?
Why mocha (I just threw that one in there for fun ) and how did "I" get it?
2.) Try not to start each sentence with I or a conjunction. Grammatically (and formally) speaking, one is not supposed to start a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or). This usually signifies that the sentences can be combined in one way or another.
3.)
She wanted him to take the cookies home. But as I sat at the other end of the room sipping the Mocha, I realized he didn't have the strenght to get up and take the plate. And she didn't have the willpower to turn around and offer a simple goodbye.
I am seriously lost here. You have this gigantic chunk of words here, and it is quite incorrect. I'm going to combine some things, and change it up a bit. Let us see if this will work.
"I sat at the other end of the room sipping the Mocha, and I realized that he didn't have the strength to get up and take the plate. Even worse, (or some other starting clause) she didn't have the willpower to turn around and offer a simple "goodbye" or "have a good day.""
4.) (This is simply a personal preference). I am not a big fan of contractions, especially if this piece is in the formal sense. Try to break those up.
5.) "Strength" in the tenth line is spelt incorrectly.
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Although you only asked for grammatical fixings, I would also like to say that this piece is quite good, but it could use some fleshing out. It could make for an interesting prose if you flesh it out and add the details that makes prose prose.
Well, there's my two cents (and I use this in the informal sense ).
Submission Name: "Take this home with you"
) and how did "I" get it?
).