In a dreamless sphere of a bleak existence
In sorrows and yesterday’s fear
There lay a silent hunger
So still and unwavering .
Within a single hour on a day’s perfect eve
Inside the cold and wretched cell
Hope was spun in gentle strokes
And a key was offered to the end of all.
Come dance to the perfect moment in life
Take these broken pieces
and place them in your palm
And know that in this instance
the essence of love was born
Tears and joy were born
of pure and honest thoughts
passion was the secret song
and as silence rose
two became one.
and in this instance the universe died.
Until tomorrow, 'sleep well my love’
Because until tomorrow you are my love
In destitute a longing born a hope was spun
and death begun
So come and dance with beauty ------ sing and hear the sighs
and come and offer weakness and fear
And Raise the flood gates high
And know that right now ‘i love you still’
And until tomorrow ‘i will love you dear’.
I like this. There is a nice dreamlike quality to it as it meanders through metaphors of longing and reward. You have some great lines in here:
"Take these broken pieces
and place them in your palm
And know that in this instance
the essence of love was born"
The essence of love, formed from two broken pieces, fit together not unlike a jigsaw puzzle, though it rarely makes a smooth fit. There are edges sticking out, poking, inciting constant rearranging and rethinking.
I was not as fond of:
"Because until tomorrow you are my love"
"And know that right now ‘i love you still’
And until tomorrow ‘i will love you dear’."
You were working so well with the mysterious and unspecific, though clearly it is specific, you know? And here, the "I" and "You" just feel out of place, even in the quoted form.
Nevertheless, this is a nice write.
"and come and offer weakness and fear
And Raise the flood gates high"
That is terrific. You have to open up entirely, letting all your insecurities and weaknesses come pouring out if there is any chance for purity and truth in love. Very cool.
Ah, personification. What would we ever do without her? I like how you used her to make all those lovely abstract nouns into the cornerstone of this poem.
I loved it, but I got a little confused at the part where the universe ended when the two came together.
And then this line left me slightly confused:
"In destitute a longing born a hope was spun
and death begun" --> actually, this makes me think of Adam and Eve, if I really think about it. Is that what you were saying? Or is it just my thoughts.
Still, I love this. Very beautiful. Hope leads to joy which leads to endurance. Hope is spun into the infinite beauty.
The prism of a life, where the simplest thing can be broken up into joy and fear and happyiness. I like it. Jazzy was right, you don't always have to bring out extreme emotions. Sometimes, you just want something simple. Like the simplicity and joy of love, and the light it can bring to your life.
I love the way you take something that can be complex and simple at the same time, and SHOW that it can. The word choice and phraseing brings to mind a situation that is the essence of simplicity, and at the same time... the choice that could change your life forever.
I agree also with Jazzy that the 'a' in the first line does throw off the rythem. Other than that I like the way you put it together. I also think that you are trying to put to much into all of it. Perhaps this is because you are trying to push into things with your life before the time is right, due to fear that you will lose your chance at things. You need to relax some, I think. Just take it slow, and savor every moment of writing something like this.
Sorry, I think I went a little to far, didn't I? Oops!
That was very calming, I must say. I like that about poetry. I find it kind of annoying when poetry always has to evoke such extreme emotion. Sometimes I just want to read something that doesn't.
In the first line, the word 'a' kind of throws it off.
The line "tears and joy were born"
seems to be very cheesy, and clichéd if you ask me.
My advice: it messes up the poem when you try to cram too many words into one line. Unless you are putting a lot of emphasis on something, try not to put too much into each line, and then much less in the next.
I do like this poem, though I didn't get a whole lot out of it. It seems to me as the birth of a relationship, and possibly the death, but that part wasn't entirely clear.
Submission Name: Prism
