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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: disappeardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ladiesplanet1
    ASL Info:    23.cali baby
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 720/463/165
    Words: 90
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Depressed
    Total Views: 523
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 601



    Description:
       i stated hummin this tune on holloween and these are the sords that i thought of. hope you like.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsdisappeardots
    -------------------------------------------


    she will always be by your side
    until she dies
    until she cries
    until you find out that she lies
    until she disappears inside
    she will no longer have to fight the night
    with your bright candle light
    she will not sacrafice her life
    with the knife
    left within her sight
    she will never die
    with out pride
    because she survived
    all this strife
    because she realized
    inside her mind
    she wont always be right
    but she still tries to fly
    into the night
    but soon falls out of sight




    Submitted on 2007-11-05 12:47:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Ummm... It's good, but your rhyming is off and your structure makes the rhyming worse. I like the idea though. Though the emotion is there, it's very subtle. it was a good write, but could've been better.
    Keep up the nice work, and I'll keep reading

    »MIss Misery«
    | Posted on 2007-11-08 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      Heh... its very edgy... put more of a form to it and a better rhyming scheme if your going to rhyme... to rhyme through part of the poem then through part of it not to it throws the reader off. Sorry the comment coulde't have been better.. but keep trying ^_^ I know you can do better.
    | Posted on 2007-11-05 00:00:00 | by x_Broken_x | [ Reply to This ]


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