Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What is this paindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: musclebound350
    ASL Info:    26/male
    Elite Ratio:    4.87 - 197/202/70
    Words: 363
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 965
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1950



    Description:
       Best friend and cousin died before and after my 21st birthday in the same week.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat is this paindots
    -------------------------------------------


    I been livin one day at a time, watchin life subside.
    With all this hatred and crime.
    with people just tryin to survive.
    But it seems lately every time I think.
    every time I drink.
    another one dies before I can blink.
    cousin killed in iraq, imagine that.
    never will get to hear his son call him dad.
    it's a shame and it's too bad but thats how life goes as a matter of fact.
    lost my best friend few days after that.
    he had the heart the size of the equator.
    too bad he crashed cause I remember our last words were "see ya lata".
    but I never knew lata woulda been when im dead.
    if i could I would of said much more than I did.
    woulda said he was more to me like a brother.
    No blood relation just friendship with each other.
    Now I try to survive as time goes on.
    thinkin of all the things I should live for.
    with all the opportunities I have and more.
    but its so hard to go on when I just lost a friend.
    days get worse like it just happened again.
    cant think straight, keep switchin my mood.
    happy.
    sad.
    glad.
    or with an attitude.
    So pardon me if I been rude.
    wish i coulda prepared for what im goin through.
    and I know other people have had it twice as bad, but is that really true?
    what really is the worst pain?
    cause every day I get close as a microscope from goin insane.
    How does it feel to lose a lot compared to just one.
    they say it's quality not quantity.
    but does that really apply to everything and everyone?
    and everyday I feel im under the gun.
    gettin pushed and stepped on.
    tryin to get on with my life messed up as it is.
    Wishin I could go back to when I was a kid.
    life looked so much simpler then what it did.




    Submitted on 2007-11-05 22:29:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      RE) tryin to get on with my life messed up as it is.
    Wishin I could go back to when I was a kid.
    life looked so much simpler then what it did.

    instead of that --try this

    trying to get on with my life messed up as it is-
    looking back looking forward at things I do and did-
    I just wish it could be like when I was a kid-

    anyway I think ya got my point, I am not saying use these exact words(you can) but that's not what I am saying.--The whole poem/rap thing screached to a hault for sure there.-just re-word it, I guess is what I am trying to say!
    lata dude
    Lt
    | Posted on 2007-12-19 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the comment below mine--yeah you sacraficed some rhyming for flow----flow doesn't hold rhyme down--they work together---personally I rhyme in my stuff so I think if it doesn't usually rhyme it doesn't have flow but that's a little silly--I liked it though--kinda reminds me of that song about not having to use my AK TODAY -what a ya know Today was a good day((*&^#E

    lamemansterms
    | Posted on 2007-12-19 00:00:00 | by LameMansTerms | [ Reply to This ]
      that really bites.
    i know that telling you im sorry when i dont know you means nothing but i am sorry all the same. death is hard enough to understand and make sense of without two so close to you in one week... especially in a week that should be one about celebrating...


    i think the hardest part about this piece for me is listening to you saying the things you would have done had you known. death always comes so suddenly causing us to wish we had acted differently and what they would have said etc and end up making themselves feel worse. i think you have to find some way to understand that your best friend knew the way you felt about him. he may have even reciprocated the brother bond you felt.

    i like that you started this piece off with trying to live one day at a time. though some days living one day at a time is much too hard... thats when you break it down to hours or even minutes if you need to.
    be kind to yourself.
    allow yourself to feel.
    allow yourself to be angry. to cry.
    it is a natural part of loss.

    and keep writing about it if it helps to get things out. take care.
    | Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Before I get into the actual poem, let me tell you that I'm sorry you've been through so much. I can't really relate because I have yet to lose anyone close to me, but I can try to understand as best as I can... I hope you're doing alright. I won't ask you how you're doing though, because I know that's a stupid question.
    Now, on to the poem. It flows well, most of the time, but there are instances where it looks like you've lengthened it in order to keep it fairly smooth. You should try to keep the length of each line fairly similar, so that there aren't long, drawn out parts. There are also spots where you've used odd phrasing in order to keep rhyming. You should just let whatever comes to your head go onto the paper. In my opinion, it's worth risking perfect rhyming and flow to have honest wording here and there.

    Good write. :) I like it.

    [jade]
    | Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by RealityTears | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    152248

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry