Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: Polydectes
ASL Info:    29/m/South Africa
Elite Ratio:    7.84 - 154 /85 /38
Words: 37
Class/Type: Poetry /Passion
Total Views: 1100
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 269



I shiver, the sight of her
Beauty, ’s in thee,
I (ought), to-hold-her,

smother her with my thirst,
her insatiable appetite, for life,
enthusiasm or (my) desire.

I’m her (attire),

Submitted on 2007-11-06 05:28:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  It is like typographical poetry, a form that concentrates not only on the sound or meaning of words, but the concepts behind their placement and visual texture. These visual arrangements are independent of conventional poetic structures and allow an author unique control over the page. Well-known poets who use this form are Reinhold Dohl and Emmett Williams. I have even used this style. That's what I mean by not original, I'm talking about style. But you probably already knew this.
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]
  Brava! I like your presentation, it isn't very original but it is always surprising and a curiosity. I would change only one thing:

"I’m her (attire),

To :

"I am her (attire),

But it is a very honest poem, somehow. Honest to the point of boldness, but the voice does not seem so honest with itself as it could be. It loses its intensity somewhere, I wish I could say because levels of flair and intensity really drive this sort of thing into a whole new level, give them a whole new breed of power.

This bit is the best:

"smother her with my thirst,
her insatiable appetite, for life,
enthusiasm or (my) desire."

It brings to light to separate peoples cravings, why they collide. The voice is a lusty hunger, while hers is a screaming risk for raw risk - for adrenaline fueled heart shuddering belly trembling life, live life or die - and the voice's trembling belly will suit her hunger just fine.

| Posted on 2007-11-06 00:00:00 | by Mandolin | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?