Today by Aruemos

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Submission Name: Today dots

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Author:	Aruemos
ASL Info:	20/M/StL
Elite Ratio:	7.24 - 102/79/40
Words:	105

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	128
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	707

Description:

Today

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How fast is the past,
and the times that come
When people are shattered
and memories run.

She didn’t fall
from my grasp,
but I from hers.

Lies told
Ties broke
All the pain
can’t be given away

Hospitality i’ll give
i’ll let it all stay.

boarded and swept
in my broken soul-cage.

there It can’t sing
like the words i don’t say

the happiness They might bring
left to rot and decay

but the stickman i‘ll be
that’s just how i play

picking up Pieces
that fall from
day To day.

Submitted on 2007-11-07 13:43:40 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
the only thing i like about this piece is the odd line breaks and random capitalisation which caused me to reread ideas incase i had missed something first read.

i think it has the potential to be a whole lot more but you would have to cut out potentially over used images that this piece contains and find a new way of saying them.

a whole lot of people have written about making it through days after someone betraying their heart. it is a hard thing to express in an original way. i think you are half way there... you just need to give it some more thought on imagery in a few places...

good luck
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
Hm...

The more I read it, the more I like it.

So here's the overall assessment.... (grumblegrumble I hate writing about writing :P )

How fast is the past,
and the times that come
When people are shattered
and memories run.

[Good flow and rhythm. At this point, I'm not sure if the capitalization is arbitrary or not (it's a common enough habit), but later on, it seems much more deliberate... I'm not certain to what effect "When" being capitalized would play, but that could just be me.]

She didn’t fall
from my grasp,
but I from hers.

[Nice idea. It makes me think that either you ran away, or she couldn't hold on tight enough. Or both... I also like the ambiguity. Like the occasion needed the clarity of you to say you were the one to fall away.
...But, the pattern is a little too disconnected from the first stanza for my taste... They both have good individual rhythms, but together it's a little to different from one another]

Lies told
Ties broke
All the pain
can’t be given away

[Honestly... this morsel seems a bit too.... pointless...? The first two stanzas are really poetic, and this is kind of dull and commonplace compared to that (what relationships aren't painful due to lies and broken ties??). Punctuation would help it seem more than just words, but honestly and truly (and remember you asked for an overall assessment), I'd seriously revamp this part, because the words aren't too worth it at this point...]

Hospitality i’ll give
i’ll let it all stay.

[... Is this the pain that you'll let all stay? You're giving in to the pain, I guess...? Nice imagery--that you're hospitable to your pain. Welcoming it, almost. One thing I'd change is using "i'll" twice within two words of eachother. It's a little halting to read.]

boarded and swept
in my broken soul-cage.

[Fragments aren't usually such a problem for me (either I'm being super picky, or it's just... odd... in this piece), but I really think you should take away the period. To me, it needs to be combined with the next stanza. I love the idea of a "broken soul-cage," especially with the next stanza's singing (and that irresistible imagery of a bird)]

there It can’t sing
like the words i don’t say

[Again, I love this... Broken cage, song-less pain (bird?), "like the words i don't say." Because the cage is meant to be unbroken, and the pain (bird) is mean to sing, or not be caged at all. And if the cage is broken, then why is the bird still inside? Unless it's completely smashed, and then the bird can't be much better off... (sorry, really running with the bird idea :P). But anyway, it's meant to be fixed, and you're mean to say these things....]

the happiness They might bring
left to rot and decay

[I love capitalizing pronouns in place of proper nouns. It keeps things nice and anonymous, while still emphasizing the importance of a certain he-she-it-they-them-etc. I do it if I've a thought in my head and it involves someone that's prone to reading things over shoulders... It's elusive and kind of "I know something you don't know." Plus it leaves the reader to imagine who "They" are, which is always nice--when a piece of writing doesn't lay everything out for you... But that is the end of my ode to capitalized pronouns.
And I'm a fan of your strong word choice. "Happiness;" "rot and decay" -- these are opposite ideas, and they're kind of sad together. But it works]

but the stickman i‘ll be
that’s just how i play

[... I don't really get this part. Is "play" just in here to rhyme? Are you a stickman because your happiness is rotting away...??? Wow... I'm SO confused.... Sorry... too much in my head, I guess....]

picking up Pieces
that fall from
day To day.

[Again with the capitalization... What pieces and why are they so important? Also, "to".... I see the word duality, and I like it--"Today" as the title, and "day To day," but I think it would work just as well if "To" wasn't capitalized.... Unless there's a reason, which there very well may be, and I'm oblivious. If so, carry on...]

In all, I liked it. It's sullen and poetic, and it gets the point across... It has a nice rhythm to it, which is done well. I usually hate rhymes--they're typically trite and terribly done, but I didn't even notice the rhyming until a few reads through. Ignore the negative comments if you like, I wouldn't have been so nitpicky if you hadn't asked for an overall assessment. It really is a nice piece.
Rachel
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]

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