[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Jealousydots

    Author: Sharati_hottie
    ASL Info:    20/ Female / MICHIGAN
    Elite Ratio:    4.02 - 86/81/90
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1327
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1196

       This is Written by my a friend of mine, she was one of my best friends. It made me sad when she wrote this.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    He made her jealous
    on purpose he tried.
    When the girl asked, "Do you love her?"
    on purpose he lied.
    He played with jealousy
    like it was a game.
    Little did he know
    Things would never be the same.
    His plan was working
    but he had no clue.
    How wrong things would go,
    the damage he would do.
    One night she broke down,
    feeling very alone.
    Just her and the blade,
    no one else home.
    She dialed his number,
    he answered, "Hello"
    She told him she loved him
    and hung up the phone.
    He raced to her house
    just a minute too late.
    Found her lying in blood,
    her heart had no rate.
    Beside her was a note,
    in it her confession.
    Her love for this boy,
    her only obsession.
    As he read the note,
    he knelt down and cried.
    Grabbed her knife,
    that night they both died.
    She was found in his arms,
    both of them dead.
    Under her note
    his handwriting said:
    "I loved her so.
    She never knew,
    all this time
    I loved her too."

    Submitted on 2007-11-07 16:05:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I found this an alright piece, enough to keep me going till the end but I wished their was a little more feeling behind. I read it almost like it had been written before. written many times and was now almost common. I think a few more specific details or images could really set this piece apart.

    on a more positive note the ryhming was consistent and it had a nice flow.
    | Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by poppi | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]