Suicide Don't Work by doppelganger

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Submission Name: Suicide Don't Work dots

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Author:	doppelganger
ASL Info:	19/f/your brain
Elite Ratio:	1.66 - 27/198/141
Words:	112

Class/Type:	Lyrics/Misc
Total Views:	148
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	818

Description:
my go at some lyrics....
I've been lacking in lyrical skill lately but yeah. Here it is. I kinda like them. They have a tune.

Suicide Don't Work dots

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Suicide don't work
Oh oh
Suicide don't work
Oh oh
Suicide don't work
When you're already dead

Yeah, can you see it in my eyes
This dull lack of any light
I walk the streets at night
Cause I ain't got nothin better to do

Well suicide don't work
Oh oh
Suicide don't work
Oh yeah
Suicide don't work
When you're already dead

Put a bullet in my chest
I can never rest
If I'm dead already

Well suicide don't work
Oh oh
Suicide don't work
Oh oh
Suicide don't work
When you're already dead

Put a bullet in my chest
Put one in my head

Submitted on 2007-11-07 17:41:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Actually, I thought the lyrics to be more of a poem, but still it would work out well as a song. I can most definitly relate with the feeling that you are presenting. When you have no fear of death..have seen it to an extent, you can not help but feel that way yourself, especially when you suffer from depression most of your life. In the mind, suicide could not even kill you because you felt like you have died already.

But, as a song, I agree that it could have been extended a little more. Otherwise, good job.

~Steph.
| Posted on 2007-11-08 00:00:00 | by xXCptn_SephyXx | [ Reply to This ]
  Not bad at all
Though I doagree this should be a little longer
I can see a band like Korn doing this jam
This is strong and an honest view on sadly a lot of the emotions a lot of people feel
Great Job
God Bless
Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
  Bleh, 'snot long enough. Only 4 or 5 of the lines are different, everything else is repetition. I wouldn't be able to listen to 3 minutes of it.

The premise is pretty neat, with possibilities galor. I advise you come up with some more interesting ways to attempt to kill this undead mo-fo. All you've done so far is shoot him in a few places..

This line-
This dull lack of any light

The 'any' seems unecessary to me, and it just doesn't jive. It's like a bloated pimple your finger keeps finding, when I was reading I kept going back to it trying to make sense of it. I'm no authority, I have listened to my fair share of music though.

Oh, and Don't means Do not. Doesn't (Does not) may be what you're looking for.

Grammar isn't something you want to eff with unless you're a pro. I wouldn't eff with it.

Is there a particular song the tune sounds like? It might help readers get into the flow more. Reading lyrics is never as satisfying as listening to the song.

Ever heard the song, I Saw your Mommy, by Suicidal Tendencies?? If you look at the lyrics there is a part that just doesn't seem right at all, but listening to it makes it right. That's just what's from the top of my head, and probably because the comment before is talking about punk, but surely you could do it with most any song.

Basically; make it longer, make it more interesting and have fun with it. I would really like to see this with more meat on it's bones. I want to see what you can do to it ^_^

peace-krys

| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by ruinedsnapshots | [ Reply to This ]
  what genre of music to you plan to put this to? Personally this sounds like it would do well as a punk rock song. Like more the origional punk rock style like say the clash, sex pistols, ramones, buzzcocks etc.
| Posted on 2007-11-07 00:00:00 | by nomad knight | [ Reply to This ]

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