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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Wish I Was A HeartBeatdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mr.Ordinary
    ASL Info:    21/M/Navy
    Elite Ratio:    3.17 - 64/102/41
    Words: 247
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1102
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1503



    Description:
       i was listening to this techno song and i like the first line jumped into my head, i want to write alot more on this if i have time is so ill call it somthing along the lines 'i wish i was...'


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Wish I Was A HeartBeatdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I wish I was a heart beat
    That never goes away

    I wish I was a raindrop
    Running down your face

    I wish I was a monster
    Fearing nothing in my way

    I wish I was the sunshine
    Leading people the way

    I wish I was a sailor
    Living life my way

    I wish I was the wind
    Traveling all the lands

    I wish I was a ghost
    Walking through the halls

    I wish I was the moon
    Looking at the earth

    I wish I was a drop of blood
    So I run through your body

    I wish I was a king
    Ruling all the land

    I wish I was shooting star
    Wished upon the sky

    I wish I was warrior
    Fighting everyday

    I wish I was a genie
    Making wish come true

    I wish I was alive
    Filling all my needs

    I wish I was lady sadness
    Coursing though your veins

    I wish I was a ballon
    Flying high about the sky

    I wish I was fire
    Lighting people way

    I wish I was karma
    Punishing those who waste

    I wish I was a god
    Feeling no such pain

    I wish I was ocean
    Always worth the wave

    I wish I was lover
    No more dirty fights

    now here i am wishing away
    sitting here every day
    wishing my life away





    Submitted on 2007-11-08 14:25:26     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It was a good poem, but i didn't like how it repeated "i wish i was" before every sentence. but other than that good job
    | Posted on 2007-11-28 00:00:00 | by Dead_inside | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey awesome job on the ending. I really like the choice of words and stucture for the ending and even though it was a very simple ending, it ended it beautifully. Superb!!

    Love it!!

    enigmaticone
    | Posted on 2007-11-14 00:00:00 | by enigmaticone | [ Reply to This ]
      holy holy holy flippin cows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    GREATTTTTTTTTTTT job. im glad that you took my advice and added something to it! supurb!!!
    i love how you ended. and you didnt use one of my endings. which is great! because i think that a poeem should be one person's only! super job. the ending you used was perfest. a great way to wrap it up!
    love love love it!!

    im so glad you used my advice. it is a super poem. im now adding it to my favorites!

    much much much love!



    annie!
    | Posted on 2007-11-14 00:00:00 | by annie smith | [ Reply to This ]
      To me this poem was rather unique. The way you repeated the "I wish I was..." throughout was interesting. I will say that from my own personal opinion i think it was a little long to keep the idea interesting. I became a little distracted about three quarters the way through it.

    Also, the ending seemed a little abrupt. It felt like it had no closure. Left me wanting.

    I really enjoyed it though. I found it unique and creative. Keep up the good work.

    enigmaticone
    | Posted on 2007-11-09 00:00:00 | by enigmaticone | [ Reply to This ]
      i really liked it. it was very good the way that you repeated the first part "i wish i was..."
    very good parallelisum. i liked it alot!!!
    the one main thing i have to say is that you should put something at the end that really moves you. your poem just sort of ends. you should have something at the end that ties it all together and makes it all makes sense. perhapes the last stanza should NOT start with "i wish i was..." maybe it could be different. it might have more of an effect on people if you do it like that. maybe something like:
    "but i know i am not what i wish to be
    no matter how much i long for it"

    or you could try something that rhymes only the last two lines like:
    "but wishing wont let me be
    and thing but me"

    or you could try something like:
    "i am.....

    i am....
    "
    expand on your idea with
    | Posted on 2007-11-09 00:00:00 | by annie smith | [ Reply to This ]


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