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Burn Marks


Author: Memphis
ASL Info:    21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:    5.13 - 130 /158 /31
Words: 122
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 841
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 922



Description:




Burn Marks



Forget your face.
Erase your name.
Mark your body
With his words.
Burn them deep
Into your skin.
You don’t exist,
Not anymore.
You’ve been weighed,
You’ve been measured,
You’ve been sold
For a price.

Mark your body
With his words.
Don’t say no
He hates that word.
Cut out your tongue
So you don’t speak.
Listen only,
When they burn,
They burn his words
Into your skin.

Listen closely
As your name
Rolls off his tongue
And through his lips.
He’ll kiss you gently
Once or twice
And trace his words
Across your back.
And you don’t
Say a word
As he lays you
On your back.
You close your eyes.

What’s your name?
Where’s your face?




Submitted on 2007-11-08 16:28:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


       As sadistic as this may seem, I think this is exactly how Jeanne d'Arc felt as she was being burned, a heretical religious royalist. I know you're going for the more negative aspect of this, but in a way, isn't this what we are all defined as, confined biological clocks waiting to blow... Decaying cells, neurons waiting to burn out, zap, Alzheimer.. oh no. *Tear Tear*

I also found this fact ironic. Your punch line to send the message home...

     What's your name?
     Where's your face?


..it's probably exactly what the person who is about to defecate on this hand maid's pride tells himself in the morning. What's my name? Is that my face on that billboard there?

It's iconic to see how parallel the victim and criminal truly are, because it's like people forget that we're all just human... Nothing new in either of them. That girl may have some pride to be violated, and that man may have some audacity to declare... none the less, they are but human beings.

Your first two lines... that's what the world does when you die... the next six are what your children do with their legacy, after you die.

I like the latent repetition of ideas you have here... To me it's a reflection of the methodical lifestyle this person MUST live to be in such a situation. I find the line breaks to be haphazard, and I think the format would be a lot more to the point if you kept it shorter, with longer verses and less lines. I also don't see much purpose in how you punctuate your verses... Actually, I do see one valid line break.. The last of the first strophe. I also think you should consider writing this piece without the you/he in it.. see what kind of an impact that has... Actually.. since I have time.. I'll show you.

A forgotten face with an erased name
A body marked with words
burned deeply into the skin.
It doesn't exist...
anymore.
Already weighed, measured;
simply sold for a
price.

Mark your body with those word;
you can't say no
that word wasn't written.
Cut out your tongue
so you aren't tempted.
Listen to them burn,
for they burn someone's words
into your skin.

.....

I think you get the idea... I realized by the second stanza that avoiding using you completely became almost impossible. But I think this could become something more universal if you strayed from all the undercurrents... but you could just say 'that wasn't the point. the point was to reach out to a specific crowd,' and I understand that too... I mean why simply help when you can help your own. Right? Right....

You should also consider, for the sake of productivity, trying to turn this - for what it is WITH the undercurrents - into a slam piece.. something that is of spoken word. I'd really like to see that...

Marc.
| Posted on 2008-10-24 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]


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