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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Krestovuj Hoddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 851
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 883



    Description:
       Kretovuj hod means, literary, in Russian a cross walking. When people from the church walk down the streets with a cross and icons. It is still done in Russia.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKrestovuj Hoddots
    -------------------------------------------


    The ice is treacherous, twice more,
    It gurgles at my feet; denouncing
    The victim of its ugly sacrifice.
    Iím cold.

    Snow came of age, a flush
    Across its pallid vastness
    Is creeping to the outskirts
    Of the road.

    Iíve got an iron rod
    And stains across it,
    Iíve got a heart Ė it beats,
    Thump, thump, and stop.

    Thereís a crust on it Ė from frost,
    A vein in ice, and crimson crystals,
    Their pointed symmetry no longer melts,
    Disfigured.

    The rod is finely made, it would not break,
    It holds onto my fingers like a rose,
    Whose petals scatter all across my face
    And eyelids.

    Breathe in, breathe out,
    One step, another, 3, 2, 1.
    I like these numbers -
    Their perfidy surpasses mine.




    Submitted on 2007-11-10 06:38:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There is this unspeakable emotion that comes around during the read.

    For me it was nostalgic.

    It reminded me of purple skies, snowfall, and walking at night through small, empty streets.
    There was something very magical about that winter.

    Could be that it was the last I spent in Siberia.
    | Posted on 2009-01-13 00:00:00 | by EpsilonpsiiChi | [ Reply to This ]
      there are some really excellent and highly poetical phraseings in this fine poem, although a few of the lines are a tad arcane.... recognizing that English is not your first language I would have to say that this is, indeed, excellent! bravo.... bravo... bravo...
    | Posted on 2008-06-18 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      You have an interesting subject matter to write a poem about. That should be sufficient. If you describe yourself carrying the cross on the icy road, your readers will be able to infer deeper meanings. If you try to put deeper meanings in yourself, this only causes confusion.
    For example:
    The ice is treacherous, twice more,
    It gurgles at my feet; denouncing
    The victim of its ugly sacrifice.
    "The ice is treacherous. I am cold. "- this is clear and comprehensible.
    twice more,
    "It gurgles at my feet; denouncing
    The victim of its ugly sacrifice." - this I am afraid is incomprehensible. Water gurgles, but not ice. What sacrifice has the ice made? Who is its victim?" All these words sounf interesting, but they do not make sense!

    "Snow came of age, a flush
    Across its pallid vastness
    Is creeping to the outskirts
    Of the road."

    Once again you lose me with "snow came of age", but I like very much the image of a red stain on the snow as a flush and I love that interesting, but appropriate word "pallid". I am not however entirely sure what the image is illustrating. Is a procession of people in red clothes approaching. If so, it doesn't harm to make that clear with for example "As the red robed penitents approach"

    "Iíve got an iron rod
    And stains across it,
    Iíve got a heart Ė it beats,
    Thump, thump, and stop.

    Thereís a crust on it Ė from frost,
    A vein in ice, and crimson crystals,"

    Now this is good. I understand what you are talking about and the choice of language is excellent. I like the onamatopoeia of the thumping heart, the nice slow monosyllables. I like the internal rhyme of "crust" and "frost". I like the alliteration of "crystal crystals" - this is good poetry. I like the image you convey of the blood being combined with the ice.

    "Their pointed symmetry no longer melts,
    Disfigured."
    I think this line needs reworking a bit. It seems to suggest that crystals of ice and blood were ceasing to melt which is different to the simpler concept of freezing by which the blood gained a pointed symmetry. Something like:" The soft and liquid blood now sparkles in the pointed symmetry of ice."

    "The rod is finely made, it would not break,
    It holds onto my fingers like a rose,
    Whose petals scatter all across my face
    And eyelids.

    I think I would prefer "will" to "would", but this stanza is good, just a little obscure. I think this is blood imagery again, but I am not really sure, and what exactly is the rod. You must remember that many of your readers are not familiar with the scene you are describing.

    Sometimes you have to know when to stop. Your poem ends well with those scattered rose-petals. Your last verse:
    "Breathe in, breathe out,
    One step, another, 3, 2, 1.
    I like these numbers -
    Their perfidy surpasses mine."
    is totally unnecessary and ends in a line which to a stranger is totally meaningless, eevn if it might have some significance for you.

    If as I assume, English is not your first language, this is a magnificent effort, far better than the majority of poems I have met on this web site.




    | Posted on 2007-11-12 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      The rod is finely made, it would not break,
    It holds onto my fingers like a rose,
    Whose petals scatter all across my face
    And eyelids.


    I absolutely love that stanza. Very visual. You've struck an impressive balance between the concrete and the abstract; very few can do that. Beautiful poem.
    | Posted on 2007-11-10 00:00:00 | by UnderINK | [ Reply to This ]


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