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" Can I Be Your Friend? "

Author: Dying Young
ASL Info:    18 / F / Lebanon
Elite Ratio:    6.16 - 78 /34 /27
Words: 117
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1417
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 669


" Can I Be Your Friend? "

“Can I be your friend?”
Perhaps it’s the cruelest thing ever said
Are you saying so just to hide your love
Or I truly am not the one you’re thinking of
If truth is going to humidify my eyes
I’m ready to pay for the consequences of your lies

Never felt so weak
Lost in the shadow of your reek
Throw me out before I fade
To have you near me it’s my life I can trade
Are you really unable to see all this
Or you’re just driving me to madness

Think twice than make up your mind
You know ,
I’ll be waiting for you till the end of time

Submitted on 2007-11-12 05:26:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Nicely speeks truth if you consentrated less on the rhyming, and more on the flow, the rhyme should come naturally, it's in all of us. It's not hard to see how much this means to you, and i don't want to be rude, but this is a good piece, you just kind of loose the flare and spark towards the end, kind of fades out. This is your time to shine, you do it well.
| Posted on 2007-12-18 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ]
  Your work would improve exponentially if you got away from rhyming at the end of each line.
I had to keep repeating myself, but I look at your first stanza, and it is excellent! It flows so well. The last two lines of the first stanza are very strong. I would almost say that the first stanza could stand alone, but I believe you could revise or rewrite the rest of the poem.
I think you have good ideas/work now, I look forward to what you will do when you're even more developed.

| Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ]

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