" Can I Be Your Friend? "
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Description:
" Can I Be Your Friend? "
“Can I be your friend?” Perhaps it’s the cruelest thing ever said Are you saying so just to hide your love Or I truly am not the one you’re thinking of If truth is going to humidify my eyes I’m ready to pay for the consequences of your lies Never felt so weak Lost in the shadow of your reek Throw me out before I fade To have you near me it’s my life I can trade Are you really unable to see all this Or you’re just driving me to madness Think twice than make up your mind You know , I’ll be waiting for you till the end of time |
Submitted on 2007-11-12 05:26:35 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Nicely speeks truth if you consentrated less on the rhyming, and more on the flow, the rhyme should come naturally, it's in all of us. It's not hard to see how much this means to you, and i don't want to be rude, but this is a good piece, you just kind of loose the flare and spark towards the end, kind of fades out. This is your time to shine, you do it well.| | Posted on 2007-12-18 00:00:00 | by AeThe Lost Poet | [ Reply to This ] | Your work would improve exponentially if you got away from rhyming at the end of each line. | I had to keep repeating myself, but I look at your first stanza, and it is excellent! It flows so well. The last two lines of the first stanza are very strong. I would almost say that the first stanza could stand alone, but I believe you could revise or rewrite the rest of the poem. I think you have good ideas/work now, I look forward to what you will do when you're even more developed. nicely | Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by nicelyJ | [ Reply to This ] | |
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