A-z by Aruemos

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Submission Name: A-z dots

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Author:	Aruemos
ASL Info:	20/M/StL
Elite Ratio:	7.24 - 102/79/40
Words:	141

Class/Type:	Random Thoughts/Satire
Total Views:	154
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	971

Description:
I can't remember what I was thinking when I made this, oh well.

A-z

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An alphabet is a riddler's joke
Begun to stifle the masses, make them gag
Choke on the smoke
Daylight can't pierce this self-made maze
Eons of civilization stopped at its gate
Forgotten stuck behind the plug of a drain
God didn't hand man language in a fruit
How much smarter he was indeed.
Intelligence brings the curse
Juxtapose the felt to the word
Kinetic to the thermal
Loon to the common bird
Many years blighted perfecting useless phrases
Now look and see
Only an Opaque wall screening
Plight goes all but unseen
Quarry deep, rock your mind
Retro-figure, we are short on time
Soon will toll an ending bell
Time will then be spent in hell
Universes can collapse
Vortexes tear and grind
We can only solve with
X-ray eyes
You can hope, but what about me?
Zodiac I quote

Submitted on 2007-11-12 16:37:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
im not sure.

i think there has to be a balance between content and structure and i dont seem to be able to find it.
i think this piece would most definately benefit from more punctuation throughout the piece and not just a random period at the end of lines.

it feels like something is missing.
as if there is a life force missing from this piece that causes me to put up walls which make it harder to find the essence of the piece. [but thats prolly just me]

you flirt with christian ideas of The Fall and perhaps even the tower of babel. the way words are like riddles and knowledge brings cursing. im not so sure all knowledge brings curses but if god says "dont do this" and you do it then...

the zodiac at the end lost me though because it seems like a world apart from other word/themes you have going on...

i think there is room for improvement but youve done better than ever i could with such restrictions so 10 points to you
| Posted on 2007-11-13 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
I think that a person with something terminal might disagree with you. But then again, that doesn't really matter much at this point, does it?

Anyway, I am impressed by your attempt. Writing something good is already hard enough as it is with only emotions to deal with. But writing with certain restrictions such as this idiosyncratic one... I think it should be applauded. I must warn you though, sometimes, patterns, challenges in form and other structural parameters may affect the most important thing in the poem - the content. If you could pull this off without sacrificing the weight of the content then I think that the piece can come out beautifully powerful.

Of course, in this piece, it is not really the content that comes across as the main issue but the formatting itself. I think that the formatting sends an event more coherent message. I think that it shows how bound we are to the language or to the rhyme that we lose a great deal of heart. In fact, going deeper, as your ending suggest - we are so bound to conventional notions and norms that we lose reality. We give ourselves up to Death not thinking of the effects that could come after or the nothingness that we could possibly find on the other side. We forget that the gambler's solution can also work both ways by saying that "if we live our lives and there is no heaven or hell, then at least we had the pleasure of spending those beautiful moments."

Ok... my imagination has taken me too far again.

I also think that this piece can be a good commentary on how we let the alphabet make us forget why we created words in the first place. We've gotten so caught up with trying to be scientific and correct with everything that we've forgotten that we created it so that we can say "stop pressuring me" and making it understood.

But then again, I could be wrong.

Sorry for the rant.
| Posted on 2007-11-13 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]

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