Description: I would like to point out that this is the best vocabulary that I have to offer. My brain hurts really, really bad after this.
I am looking for assistance with punctuation. I am not 100% sure what I should do, so I thought that I would ask the world first.
Oh well, nobody ever said writing was easy.
Have a good day,
Cirruculum (TK)
Gardens in the Sand -------------------------------------------
On the dunes of this Kuwaiti desert
Parched by years of greed and conflict
The north-easterlies weave patterns learned,
Perhaps an incarnation or two ago,
Over the exquisite rock gardens of Kyoto.
Amidst the debris of invasion and occupation
The chiaroscuro of browns and burnt oil sludge
Weave a carpet of Rorschach blots on the sand
Inviting us to project onto the undulations
Of anthers and petals of pain and, maybe, hope
Hidden in the dark recesses of our minds.
Like the parched winds shifting the sand
Looking for a tinge of moisture,
We sift through the debris of our lives
And find nothing but flotsam and jetsam
In the garden of sand in our minds.
i just have to say i loved it...and for me it was almost perfect...... i really liked it and enjoyed reading...write more like this because this is awesome
this is beautiful.
really.
im not sure beautiful is the word im looking for but really...
your description is deceptive. i read it and thought 'oh god...' but this piece was really well created.
you are calm right throughout the piece. the narrative voice is confident and knows what it is out to say and will not be swayed or deterred in the creating of images.
i love your incarnations ago line.
there is great truth in that line even though i dont believe in reincarnation i do get to wondering how things know how to do what they do... how does the wind know the patterns in the sand? why does the sand agree with the wind regarding the formation of these patterns? this incarnation is a wonderful image in attempt to explain
i am unable to provide you with any of the things you ask for in your description.
this really is a stunning work.
Did you really mean Rohrsach or Rorschach? If that really is a typo, there isn't much need to worry. This piece is too beautiful to be ruined by that minor spot of imperfection. I myself am a common offender.
But of course, this is not about me. This is about you creating something arresting so... let me get to that.
I think that the appeal of this piece comes from your choice of its construction. While it is normally favorable to create a labyrinth for your readers to dwell upon, I also think that it is a plausible option to have the answer infront of them while conjouring a hurricane to defend it. That way, when they reach their goal, they would've already taken too much from that journey or obstacle that it would be wasteful to just drop the piece and not learn from it.
I like the free hand that seems to be weaving this structure. There is a deliberate sense of having the ability to bring anything into the fold just to help the reader understand. But there is also a show of wisdom that exemplifies the writer's need to let the reader think for himself. I like that because while it doesn't necessarily make the readers idle, it doesn't turn him off aswell. Normally, of course, that rarely works aesthetically. But the man-in-the-mountain aura of the persona sharing this piece just makes it work.
I don't if you've read any of his work, but there is a poet here in Elite who uses the username Sandburg, who writes somewhat like you. You both possess a certain element of restrained courage in you. And it gives a simple yet fruitful sophistication to your pieces.
Personally, I don't mind finding a garden of sand in my head in a sense that, sands are particles that can be combined and molded into great structures. It's like having a dot for a tattoo and seeing the potential beauty that can generate from that dot.
The sad part though is if other elements are absent in this garden of sand (like water perhaps) these potential structures would be nothing more than potentials. And that, in itself, is sad.
You have a nicely made piece in an assayal of that place as you experienced it.
As per your request, allow me to do a bit of guiding. I would substitute 'learned' in place of "learnt" with a comma afterwards, since the succeeding line is treated as an after-thought explaining how long the pattern has been reoccurring. Then a comma after "ago".
2 stanza,though long breathed is ok without puncts. I would change to 'undulating' and leave "The" off of next line. Or, leave "undulations" as is but change "The" in next line to 'of'. Put a comma before and after "maybe".
Submission Name: Gardens in the Sand
