Description: This is my ode to AFI. My favorite band. I used words that I consider "AFI words" and actual words they use. I hope you like it. Please listen to them, my favorite songs are: Kiss and Control, Silver and Cold, Death of Season, The Story at Three,
Lust touches my lips
Passion Kisses my hands tenderly
We all dance to the sustaining note
With a spin they become one
Romance is her name
The starry sky awes at us
Falling from the balcony
I embrace her, feeling unsuperflous
Yet everything is destined to sunder
She spits her poison in my mouth
The western sky turns to red
Crushing my spine she leaves my grave
I reach for her but grasp something else
Pulling nicotine lips to mine
Forget my life, no longer worthy
Watching the azure eyes drift away
teasing my heart to obsession
Darling, I must say, I love AFI and you've done them justice! From the beginning [the title] to the body, you had me totally hooked. Those are actual words they use and might I add Silver and Cold, Kiss and Control are awesome songs ;)
It seemed too short though :(, kinda took away from the entire..flare, awe, and power of it. But overall, I'm in love!!!
And...try not to write in other's style...if you are inspired by AFI then say, it was inspired but twist it so it can be JASONSANCTUARY...and kinda-ish AFI.
As much as I enjoyed the use of words like 'superfluous', 'obsession', 'nicotine', and the phrase 'She spits her poison in my mouth'... this poems does seem a little boring. But it is better than what I was expecting when you said you used "AFI" words and the like. Since you weren't really trying to write from your soul, or from some deep down place in your heart and whatnot... I guess this is ok. However if you were trying to write from your heart and soul, then spice this up a little, give it a little more feeling. Make it dance across the page instead of just lying there.
first off, you are using another persons creativity and trying to spin it, this is bad, I mean don't get me wrong it can be great if used right, but all you've done is make another "gothicesk" piece of poetry that sits in the pool of thousands and fades away.
My best advice to you would be to do some soul searching and find your muse in reality rather then musical influence, the greatest of poetry comes from your heart, your soul, your everything, and your nothing.
This write gave little to no emotional impact, nor explained vividly the experience, it lacks punch and leaves little impact, simply put a flash in the pan.
Submission Name: Romance's Poison
