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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dark roomdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Little Gal
    ASL Info:    20 female, Bahrain
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 469/431/94
    Words: 62
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1020
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 468



    Description:
       I really dunno how i wrote this. I was just trying to get some sleep last night, and i was staring at myself int he mirror....somewhere in the process i wrote this...sort of. Today i remembered it roughly, and fixed it a little bit. Let me know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDark roomdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Silence
    Thinking out loud
    Sitting in the basement
    Wondering of what is to come
    Heat from underneath
    Sweating
    Heart beat speed shooting up
    The feeling of cold air
    Passing in and out of dry lungs
    Screaming inside
    Where the feeling of adrenaline takes place
    Shivering
    Cold as an iceburg
    But feeling that heat underneath
    Scared
    And alone
    In a dark room




    Submitted on 2004-06-24 02:38:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting what you have done here. I'm not sure what it's called, but the voice is not speaking in first second or third person. It's not "I am sitting" "You are sitting" or "he/she is sitting" it's just sitting. And you compound the mystery by having the heat come from "underneath" If you said the heat was "inside" it would be different, perhaps clearer, but this keeps the mystery. If I would change anything it would only be the cliché "speed of light"
    but it isn't that bad. But perhaps you have a better phrase lurking in the back of your head that you would like better? Good job,
    Dave
    | Posted on 2004-06-24 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]


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