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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Eating Fruitdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: beth freese
    ASL Info:    18.F.Earth
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 74/113/39
    Words: 94
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 603
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584



    Description:
       


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    dotsEating Fruitdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I bit into that watermelancholy,
    I swallowed the black seeds of despair,
    And worried about a watermelancholy growing within
    Creating some apathy, but I didnít care.

    I ate until I reached the medicore of the apple
    Sunk my teeth in and sucked juices of the mundane
    They dripped from my mouth
    Onto my shirt, creating a nasty distain

    In my kitchen, there was a canítalope.
    I considered taking a bite,
    I even attempted to steal a taste.
    I couldnít, I gave up, but not without a fight.




    Submitted on 2007-11-14 03:34:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      oo this is very different! i always associate eating fruit as a joy but this, it's very different indeed!
    i've never come across a poem like this before, i'm not sure what i could say if u wanted me to improve it, coz it sounds fine just the way it is.
    when reading your poem, the joy of eating fruit vanished as your imagery from words made me feel depressed.
    maybe u could do something similar for junk food, that could help with the obessity crisis. making junk food unappelaing that would work wonders.
    suzi
    | Posted on 2007-11-15 00:00:00 | by sushi wok | [ Reply to This ]
      This was quite a creative write, I really liked your homophonic (I'm not sure if this is a word) fruit and it shows that you have great wit.

    I just fail to see the relation between fruit and despair, when I think of fruit I think old, or crazy, not depressed.

    In stanza 1 and 3 your rhyme feels forced, itís that last sentence in the stanzas, itís that ďbutĒ I donít like.

    Also I fail to see the meaning in the caps in the first words in every line; although I know some spellcheckers have a mind of its own, I know mine does, so I did this myself.

    I gave you a hard time on your structure but I really liked your poem, you show great creativity, something I lack myself and envy.
    | Posted on 2007-11-14 00:00:00 | by Polydectes | [ Reply to This ]


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