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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Done With You (vicious circle)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 278
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1030
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1845



    Description:
       PLEASE NOTE: Though I couldn't fit it in the actually poem, the different seasons represent differnt stages of this "friendship". Summer is never listed for a reason, because the cycle never seems to end and is still going on.

    *tox*


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDone With You (vicious circle)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    After school park walks.
    Help and advice talks.
    Swinging in the breeze of
    autumn, winter, spring;
    hear their meaning sing...
    But first remember the days,
    think back to "simpler" times.
    No doubt they were just a phase,
    but the memories aren't
    nickels and dimes.

    Oh, do I remember the days,
    yet here we stand,
    blazing our seperate ways.
    Your presence meant to me,
    so much more than you could see.
    If I'd known the damage done,
    I wouldn't have been the one
    to hold you up if you fell.
    But ev'ry one does and when
    you did I helped you up...
    again and again and again.
    Trapped in this false pretense
    that you were truly a friend.

    Part of me still wishes I was in
    that state of ignorant bliss.
    Even as I write this, my
    whole being fights against it.
    It's as if my mind rather'd be in the dark,
    despite how it feels so cold, so stark.
    I can't find the words for the hate I feel.
    Everytime I see you,
    my defense turns to steel.
    A sick and twisted game,
    of the cat and mouse
    that gets under my skin,
    itching like a louse.
    Only this time the
    mouse comes back for more.
    The cat swipes and claws, and
    the mouse hits the floor.

    It's the rotating seasons,
    autumn, winter, spring...
    It doesn't matter which,
    the air'll always sting.
    I wish I had a way
    to end this vicious circle.
    I wish there was a day,
    I wish there was a time.
    But until then, I now
    must end this rhyme.
    If only, If only...
    this circle had a summer.




    Submitted on 2007-11-14 14:58:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This poem reminded me of something i'd write, for more reasons than I think ill be able to include in this comment. Your theme of compassionate, helping someone up when they fall down, being there for them, just so they can get close enough to hurt you where it really stings. Your inclusion of seasons as a sense of time passing, or as a cycle that never ends, ive used seasons SO much, they are beautiful and set an amazing scene. The way you form your writing, so that its almost like a conversation or rant, and the delicate balances you create with words. I felt your rhymes could use a little variation, but all in all the poem was wonderful. False pretense is totally a song by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, their best song imo, right up there with Face Down. Thought i'd toss that out there for the hell of it. Your yearning for the bliss that comes with ignorance is something you'll always have, but never truly fulfill. If you are smart enough to wish you were stupid, its already too late. This is quite possibly the worst comment on a poem EVER. Let me try to form it up.

    "After school park walks.
    Help and advice talks.
    Swinging in the breeze of
    autumn, winter, spring;
    hear their meaning sing...
    But first remember the days,
    think back to "simpler" times.
    No doubt they were just a phase,
    but the memories aren't
    nickels and dimes."


    This stanza sets the stage, it explains what your friendship was, the enjoyment and simplicity that was present, and how those memories are worth more than others seem to think.


    "Oh, do I remember the days,
    yet here we stand,
    blazing our seperate ways.
    Your presence meant to me,
    so much more than you could see.
    If I'd known the damage done,
    I wouldn't have been the one
    to hold you up if you fell.
    But ev'ry one does and when
    you did I helped you up...
    again and again and again.
    Trapped in this false pretense
    that you were truly a friend."

    This one moves on to explain that even though you remember those days fondly, you are still both traveling separate ways. Apparently more from his will than your own. I can relate to this stanza more than any of the others I think, this is practically the story of my life. I meet new people all the time, its something I love to do, and I hate seeing people hurt or sad. So I take it upon myself to hold them up, or cheer them up. But eventually they make it apparent how little I meant to them, as they take advantage and move on. Its amazing how quickly someone who was "caught up" in you, can move on. It makes you feel little, insignificant, and its confusing, because it means every moment you spent with that person meant more to you than it ever did to them. Because if they shared the same value to the memories as you did, it wouldn't be so easy to forget.

    "Part of me still wishes I was in
    that state of ignorant bliss.
    Even as I write this, my
    whole being fights against it.
    It's as if my mind rather'd be in the dark,
    despite how it feels so cold, so stark.
    I can't find the words for the hate I feel.
    Everytime I see you,
    my defense turns to steel.
    A sick and twisted game,
    of the cat and mouse
    that gets under my skin,
    itching like a louse.
    Only this time the
    mouse comes back for more.
    The cat swipes and claws, and
    the mouse hits the floor."

    This is where the mourning starts to kick in. You miss him, whoever he is, and it shows. You don't want to think about him anymore, you don't want those memories haunting you. Theres an awkwardness when your together now "as friends" because you remember when you wished there was something more than that, and you remember the pain you were put through. So you steel yourself up, but somehow the memories still sting, and you feel like your being played with, like the mouse in some cat's twisted game.

    "It's the rotating seasons,
    autumn, winter, spring...
    It doesn't matter which,
    the air'll always sting.
    I wish I had a way
    to end this vicious circle.
    I wish there was a day,
    I wish there was a time.
    But until then, I now
    must end this rhyme.
    If only, If only...
    this circle had a summer."

    This seems to me like a preemptive way to end the poem, I almost expected there to be more. You never concluded it on good terms, you never "got over him" so to speak. And the cycle pattern you used for the poem makes it seem like this heartbreak is either going to last forever, or that this whole "play" is doomed to repeat itself again and again with each relationship or connection you try to form. It seems like a negative way to look at things really, from that perspective happiness is hard to come by. I guess what im saying to conclude this whole thing, is I wish your circle had a summer every once in awhile. The summer would be the season of bliss for you, the one where you actually get to enjoy things for a little bit, before the fall sets in and things start crumbling.

    Nice read, + fav, good luck

    | Posted on 2008-06-29 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]
      what you've done is put to paper the feelings i think most of us have suffered from at one point or another
    very personal, and at the same time, very easy to relate to
    keep up the good work
    =^_^=
    | Posted on 2007-12-06 00:00:00 | by Tabris | [ Reply to This ]
      Part of my sang to this piece,
    another part cried.

    I once was an ignorant mouse,
    but then I grew fangs.

    Very emotional,
    pretty.

    Some parts seem rougher than others,
    but it doesn't seem to matter
    because all the words obviously mean so much.

    Thanks for a read I thoroughly enjoyed.

    E.

    | Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by Puzzle_d_Box | [ Reply to This ]
      This is more than likely my fav.oem that you've written... it's flow is awsome and it has gret imagery...
    | Posted on 2007-11-20 00:00:00 | by CaughtRedhanded | [ Reply to This ]
      hehe and now i comment tox as i promised!
    so anywhoooo...

    i loved what this poem is saying; it shows great emotion and gets the feeling of frustration and resentment, and sadness , and all those other things, across very well.

    There are a few rhymes that seem forced though, like louse and mouse, stark and dark...and a few little places where the flow seems to stumble a little, like here:

    Swinging in the breeze of
    autumn, winter, spring;
    hear their meaning sing...
    But first remember the days,</I>

    it just kinda jumps around, making it hard to read the first time, but on the second go-round it's better. however, the poem redeems those trivial occasions with the rest of its words :]

    I too, especially liked the part about winter spring, autumn, and summer...the last stanza was wonder ful and tied the piece together lovely-ly lol (i make a word)...

    my favorite part though, was:

    Part of me still wishes I was in
    that state of ignorant bliss.
    Even as I write this, my
    whole being fights against it.


    t'was nice that we were productive for once!
    ~chaos~
    | Posted on 2007-11-17 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
      yay!!!!! tox wrote!!! this is an honor for both the writing club AND the potato club!!!!!
    that being said i liked this a lot, especially the line about stinging air thats a cool image and actually i like the last line about the cycle including a summer, i think its just about as metahorical as it can get, considering it's just part of the poem's extended metaphor....
    anyway i liked it
    sue
    | Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by SYnesthesiA_WaR | [ Reply to This ]
      this was beautiful and very well written and i can totally relate...tha only thing i didn't like was the ending...i didn't like how you ended with saying:

    But until then, I now
    must end this rhyme.
    If only, If only...
    this circle had a summer

    you should re write this into a more metaphorical way of saything...i think it would sund best with out the i not must end this rhyme...it kinda makes the poem a little cheaper than it really is

    other than that beautiful...and is now a favorite
    | Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by taintedsmiles | [ Reply to This ]
      It has been a long time since I have read your work.
    This seems to be a cry of frusteration for a friendship that has been one sided or maybe it seems that no matter how many times advise or help is given a failer to heed is always at hand.
    I like this because of you ability to add those little ways of diguising the brutality of the truth.
    Sort of letting the reader see but just a small peek.
    There is anger here but there is so much compassion too.

    Freindship is a funny thing. You know that you will have to stand and deliver but then you don't know if you will be blindsided sometimes.

    That is the magic of friendship. It is not the expected that makes it worth the effort. It is the unexpected that makes the laughter and crying worth the struggle to make it work.
    Never expecting something in return except maybe just to loved and respected with the same passion that you give.

    I guess that is why we are just human. We will in time return to the ones who keep watch over us.

    You seem to be a good friend and I think that you write this out of frusteration but you know that your bond to this friend is strong.
    Time will tell and you will be surprised at the outcome.

    Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2007-11-15 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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