Untitled (not for long hopefully) by Talamir

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Submission Name: Untitled (not for long hopefully) dots

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Author:	Talamir
Elite Ratio:	6.62 - 9/8/5
Words:	73

Class/Type:	Misc/Love
Total Views:	73
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	499

Description:
I haven't a name for it yet. This came to me with a tune...I couldn't get some of the words out of my mind. So here they are. My first attempt. I'll get better! If anyone has an idea for a title, I would appreciate it.

Untitled (not for long hopefully) dots

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The flowers are all gone,
I've lost their song,
I'm stuck inside my head,
While the roses cry
Tears drops of a ruby red.

Sanity, they sang for me,
I can't escape,
This gilded cage
Of those bitter memories,
That rise up to smother me.

An ode to you
I never knew
That without your glow
I wouldn't have grown
Out from those weeds,
Who were choking me.

Submitted on 2007-11-14 23:38:01 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey hun,

This poem is very beautiful, you seem depressed in the begining and then relize some importance to who you became. I love the wording it is not something you see everyday.

You seem to being to rhyme the first stanza L.1 and L.2 but then you seem to go every other line. at one point it seems you gave up the rhyming all together in the middle stanza. Try to be more consistent in the future. Though if you do succsefully (sp) rhyme hats off to you cause that is a major weakness of mine (having a poem that rhymes) wow that almosted sounded like one there

The last Stanza though you get back on track...it sounds a little forced but that may just be my perception. This in itself is a beautiful poem and as i think i stated before in another poem of yours you have potential. (sp and if i didnt i should have)

oh im going to digress for a second....
omg i havent seens Ronswords since i first started this....wow. ok sorry had to get that out of my system.

All the love,
Nikki
| Posted on 2008-01-11 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
  How was this not a success? Or is this something that you reposted because you didn't like your first write?

Anyways, I've always loved the thought of beautiful things coming from terrible places. I've written a lot about it. Not sure if this is what you were aiming for, but through my perception, I see something beautiful rising out of something that normally wouldn't condone such a wonderful being.

Just my take on it. :)
| Posted on 2007-11-17 00:00:00 | by Me Rambling | [ Reply to This ]
  I really liked this
The inclussion of the flowers blooming was perfect as I have always believed Love and Nature go hand in hand
Sometimes Love has a way of creating its own stubborn reality where we are blind to anything but that Love
I can see you felt like this but Thank God you are strong enough to continue to move forward
My only advice is to sparingly look back
Let the Lessons learned from this relationship carry you Forward into another real True Love
I will be Praying for you
For a title how about
A THANKFUL LOOK BACK
God Bless
Ron
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
Ron
| Posted on 2007-11-15 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]

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