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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Winter melodydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Tradia
    ASL Info:    17/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.02 - 13/28/26
    Words: 172
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 131
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1155



    Description:
       I just saw a glacier documentary


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWinter melodydots
    -------------------------------------------


    The forest is quiet
    somber in his winter attire
    a small chipmunk
    crosses the snow
    leaving small tracks behind

    The forest goes on waiting
    sivering almost hoping
    for the weak ray of sun
    that would pierce the snow
    and give him life

    The branches of the tree shake
    quietly;
    their moans are unheard
    by the passerby who solemnly stares
    at the naked arms

    underneath the snow
    a daisy grows
    the little plant
    evergreen,
    waits for the ray of sun

    and then it comes
    as the sun travels by
    caressing them
    like a mother would

    And the snow trembles fearful of their end
    But ohh do not fear snow
    it's barely december
    you have a long way to go

    A child hitting her mittens
    at her sides, hoping for warmth
    runs around the forest
    collecting snow
    and little trinkets that no longer grow

    And then the forest is quiet
    in his somber attire
    waiting for a ray of sun.....




    Submitted on 2007-11-15 11:52:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i think you need to think more about punctuation. thats pretty rich coming from me... i suck at using it more than humanly possible but i do think it would contribute more to your pieces and it would also give you the freedom to experiment with line breaks... making them irregular while keeping the meaning of the lines the same.


    [sivering] almost hoping = ?


    so i read your description and was expecting to read about some big ice something randomly floating around near the shores of NZ. dunno why. guess thats what i think of now lol.

    winter isnt a bad thing. it give things time to rest that wouldnt usually rest. and while it is associated with death its usually spring that kills people off... old people who have faught sickness all throughout winter and then come spring realise theres nothing to fight any more, let their guard down and then BAM!

    there is just as much life to be found in winter as there is every other time.
    though the coldness and the lack of light [shorter days etc] make it easier for the world to plunge into a state of depression...

    you repeat the idea of 'a ray of sun' a couple of times through this piece in quite close proximity. i would think about changing one of these uses of the idea, even if only slightly, so that the repetition doesnt belittle the longing of the smallest daisy...


    i like that you have titled this winter melody... winter sings too...
    | Posted on 2007-11-15 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I always feel this way when winter comes...give me light, give me warmth! I understand how the forest feels.

    Maybe I am just a forest
    Maybe I am just the leaves
    Maybe I am the voice
    Whispering among the trees
    ------------------
    I stand still. I wish I could feel my roots. Move them even. I wish I wasn't so naked.

    We all cry in unison, me and my naked comrades. Oak takes it the hardest. No one likes it. Well, maybe except for the maple. He one of those creepy "leaves optional" types. He's nuts. Literally. The squirrels have filled his head with them.

    I wish the sun would come. I've always been able to count on him. But why not now? Why won't he come? Has he forsaken our friendship?

    I hear a voice whispering among us. It is not the sweet voice of nature, but rather the hoarse chuckle of winter.

    "I've got you now, you forest. Watch as I tear straight through to your wooden hearts!"

    I am dying. The air is dense, and I haven't much time left to live. All seems lost...

    ----------------------

    I'm with you sister. I don't like winter. And I don't think the trees like it either. Well done, I say.

    And, as I also say, one great poem deserves another!

    Keep up the good writing!
    | Posted on 2007-11-15 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]



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