Suicidal Mess by Demon_

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Submission Name: Suicidal Mess dots

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Author:	Demon__666
ASL Info:	18/f/your nightmares
Elite Ratio:	2.45 - 270/315/89
Words:	219

Class/Type:	Poetry/Depressed
Total Views:	145
Average Vote:	4.2500
Bytes:	1358

Description:

Suicidal Mess dots

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If this life is winning than I would rather lose.
If its life or death, than i'll take the neuce.
The choice is yours, go on and choose.

Put the gun to my head, I'll pull the trigger.
Just a dry fire, go fucking figure.

Im angry and pissed for no particular reason.
Waite this is fall, its just not my season.

I give you life, you give me death.
Just leave me here, to clean up the rest.

The crying mess that you expected,
Died long ago, inside, undetected.

I put on a front, I pretend to me,
That through which no one did see.

Deep inside my mutelated heart bleeds.
In my hands rosery beeds.

Father, I have long lost my faith.
To me all affiance is defiled,Slain.

Rape my mind, my heart bleeds more.
Stop this nonsense, my arms are sore.

The metal stings, continuous cuts.
To this situation a door slams shut.

My mind goes blank, another slice.
Take my blade, i have lost all concept of life.

The gun is faulty, thrown to the floor.
Memories lay dormant, in the back of my mind stored.

I gave you life, you gave me death.
Look at his pathetic girl, What a suicide Mess.

Submitted on 2007-11-16 11:54:55 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I read this beauty and all I can say is WOW. Somebody out there actually feels the way I feel. My life is all going down the drains all at once. I wish that I could just end it all right now and not have anything to do with life at all. I now declare that I want to die for the whole internet world to know. You can't do anything about it because you don't know who I am. I've already been declared depressed and I see a therapist regularly. But I never talk in there so she doesn't know that I'm about to die and all her [censored] efforts are for nothing. Now let me die in peace [censored] is what I'll write in my final letter. LET ME DIE, NOW!!
| Posted on 2007-12-07 00:00:00 | by Rachel Ruff | [ Reply to This ]
  I think that this is a good write. As others have said it is a little scattered but then i think that peoples minds are somewhat when feeling this way :-)...i agree you could take themes from this and develop other poems..however i like this on its own also...(this is stormyskies on behalf of paul/his father-paul was lost to suicide)

I have been in this place unfortunately and at the time so many things are going on in your mind and yes it always comes back to idealising about which way to do it...so i think i understand why you have mentioned the different ways and come back to it throughout...im adding this to pauls favs...keep writing..stormy
| Posted on 2007-11-28 00:00:00 | by Pizzolopoetry | [ Reply to This ]
  You requested thoughts. If you would like a full review, let me know. I will gladly do so!

There are a lot of things going on here, and I personally think that you are trying to compile them into one poem. Try focusing on one topic.

For instance - the gun could easily make a poem. I really do like the "put the gun to my head, I will pull the trigger." It shows plenty of feeling there.

Or the knife. Again, another poem could be made.

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Please forgive me for being frank, but sometimes rhyming is not the way to go. Some of the rhymes are smooth; some do not rhyme at all; some sound forced. Remember, poetry does not always have to rhyme, but it should have some "order" (for lack of a better word).

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Plenty of good ideas here, like Cricket said, but the poem lost focus and became somewhat of a rant. I know that you are going through some tough times, but do not lose hope: the grass is always greener on the other side.

Or at least, that is how the old saying goes.

Have a good day,
Cirruculum (TK)

If you would like, please read some of my works. Again, inspiration comes the most "interesting" of places.
| Posted on 2007-11-21 00:00:00 | by Cirruculum | [ Reply to This ]
  i liked reading this, i think it flowed well, at some parts i had to read over to get a rythym, but other then my faulty reading, i thought it was written beautifully.
| Posted on 2007-11-21 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with the last comment,however it does get you feeling it without sounding overdone, which I feel most suicidal poems tend to do,bravo
| Posted on 2007-11-19 00:00:00 | by Diablo Tapitio | [ Reply to This ]
  I feel like a suicidal mess now...well I kinda did to start with... I enjoyed reading this but some parts just dont quite flow...the over all consept is good...
| Posted on 2007-11-16 00:00:00 | by Cricket | [ Reply to This ]

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