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    dots Submission Name: Forget-me-notdots

    Author: Soulraven
    ASL Info:    31/Male/Illinois
    Elite Ratio:    4.05 - 510/481/142
    Words: 114
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 797
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 694


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    In this opaque maze to find my way the wall I feel,
    Now in this paradox everything is so clear.
    Watching the world fall at our feet,
    Bright red lips; honey sweet.
    Heart covered in the light, bright decoration,
    Cut the rope no more tension.
    I have escaped thanks to you, I have survived,
    Now I am trapped within your eyes.
    I drank from your mind;
    It tastes divine.
    Even if I’m wrong,
    You still stand by me strong.
    You’ve sent my soul on a flight,
    This is the way it feels to right.
    My soul in the air you have caught,
    A rose is sweet but nothing compared
    To a forget-me-not.

    Submitted on 2004-02-04 22:29:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      the feeling is there, the metaphors kick ass... rhyme scheme does take a downward turn going into the end... and i have told you this before... and i will say it again (cliché hehe).. I have read some of your other stuff, I know you have talent... and I say again, you have more potential than this... keep it up... you are coming along nicely.... good job with this one
    | Posted on 2004-02-05 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the metaphors you used.. "I drank from your mind, It tastes divine...You've sent my soul on a flight..." Nice :) Around the middle of your poem, the rhyming scheme sort of gets a bit off, but it does little to affect your poem's message. In this line: "A rose is sweet but nothing compared...", it seemed to demolish your original rhyming scheme: aabb, and seemed to be a bit lengthy.. I'm sure you can easily revise the knots of your rhyming scheme, but other than that, good flowing poem.. Love is strong
    | Posted on 2004-02-04 00:00:00 | by PastelSky | [ Reply to This ]

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