He's the one who saved her from hell
Though she doesn't really know him well
He's the reason why she smiles
Despite oceans between them …despite those miles
He's the stimulant of her affections
Driving her so close from perfection
He's the boat to drive her to shore
Which part he occupies in her life?
… She's unsure
He loves her …
He loves her not!!
Who cares he makes her happy!!!
| Very simple, very emotion filled, and strait to the point. You have a good, clear punch in this work but now for the not so good commenting.|
It is very abrupt. I feel like there is so much more to this story, that you havent really done your feelings justice, nd that you have alot more in you to write with it.
This has absolutely no structure to it. I love the message here, but thats about what it seems like. Once again, it comes back to the feeling of missing writing here, because this would be a far better write if you expanded your self expression.
Sorry if i seem horrible after this comment, but i wanted to try to be as helpful as possible, because like i said, i feel like there is a hell of alot to this, and may make a masterpeice with a bit more work.
|| Posted on 2007-12-02 00:00:00 | by ThisIsReal | [ Reply to This ] || the first two lines remind me of that avril lavigne song "i dont know who you are but im with you"|
i always think it weird that someone would put themselves solely in the hands of someone they dont know
driven from perfection?
im not sure what this means?
to me this piece is pretty bland.
there is nothing in it that captures my attention. nothing that makes me want to meet him.
perhaps if you put some work into making this piece more personalised?
you open this piece with an idea of hell... why not make it an image because i am quite sure my idea of hell and yours are different.
give her a context to be saved from.
this sounds like an internet relationship... someone loves someone but cannot work out what that means in real life with distance and such... what place does he have in her life... when she is at school with her friends... when she is at home with her parents telling her she should find a nice boy... how do you tell people about smeone you have never met and yet feel closer to than so many ppl in real life?
i think this could be done better but maybe that will take time and lotsa reading of other peoples pieces on your part.
|| Posted on 2007-11-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] |