A friend of mine told me once
To hold no grudges and use up the chance
To make things right with total bless
Without breaking rules, without a mess
But what if it's the only way to fight loneliness?
To carry on thru this killing silence?
If life has the right of misusage
What right do I possess?
Blundering around, with my heart broken
Trying to find out how could it still unforgotten
Scars are getting deeper the more I'm mistaken
I'm losing my grip, because I'm unforgiven
Another stab caused by life
With its red blooded knife
It pushed me down to the cliff
I'm still wondering: would it bluff
Because I can't take a breath… NO..I can't snuff
I'm totally confused… What is it again?!!
If life refuses to forget my sin
Should I mourn? Should I care a pin?
Could I forgive who caused me pain?
Whom fang still stuck in my vein?
Should I surrender in the dust?
Would I strike off, or it's a must?
Would it go on this way, would it last?
Strangle me then drown me in the moving sand
Because I'm sick of walking alone thru the strand
For whom I pray and raise my hand
Please answer me! I need a hint,
I need a repost!!
Before I reach the end of the coast.
No one knows how many wounds it costs
Each time I stray and become lost
Take your knife out of my back
Because today I won't fall,
I won't break a neck!!
It's time to revolt
I just can't revoke
Because I'm not a quitter
And you know it folk!!
| You explain the principle of revolting, in a very dramatic and passionate way which is ideal for poetry; but there is also a personal story which is part of the theme, and that is not told very clearly.||| Posted on 2008-01-21 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ] || A friend of mine [have] told me once = i dont think you need [have] at all. the sentence is complete without anything else and the have is in the wrong tense... it should prolly be [had]|
To make things right with total [bless] = total bless? i dont know what this is? perhaps you mean total bliss?
Trying to find out how could [it] still unforgotten = im wondering what [it] is? you have only half created your image here which makes it hard for the reader to understand anything when reading this... what is it that is still unforgotten? the heartbreak perhaps?
I['m]? still wondering: would it bluff
Could I forgive [he] who caused me pain? = think about adding in a subject before who so that the reader can ascertain who it is that is causing pain... give them a face, an entity.
[Whom] fang still stuck in my vein? = this should prolly be who's fang is still stuck or maybe even 'their fang still stuck'
Strangle me [than] drown me in the moving sand = then
a couple of things to think about with your piece over all:
your use of rhyme is quite off putting because it is very predictable. i cannot rhyme. my vocab isnt big enough. so i just dont even try now.
but if you are going to use rhyme i think it would be helpful if you kept it consistant throughout the piece. the first stanza you have A,A,B,B rhyming but then the next stanza it changes and then the next and the next.
you prolly want to think about trying to make it the same throughout.
be sure to keep on track with what it is you are trying to say. i found that the time to revolt idea came right at the end and in some ways seemed unconnected to the start of the piece.
but keep trying and experimenting
youre doing well.
|| Posted on 2007-11-18 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] |