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    dots Submission Name: The Landscape is Moving But The Boat is Stilldots

    Author: Predator
    ASL Info:    21/m/Derbyshire, England
    Elite Ratio:    7.02 - 257/198/73
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1372
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 637


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Landscape is Moving But The Boat is Stilldots

    Lock them in
    The piano playing
    Fear divulging dark
    And let them sleep.
    Whisper, villain, whisper
    Inspire –
    Escape through empty streets.
    Whisper beneath the eyelids
    Whisper them their dreams

    A velvet sea glides the stars
    Dividing the sleeping hearts
    They shuffle apart in their slumber
    As he tumbles from sight
    The piano plays on
    And the unease creeps
    Silent screams
    Whispering in their dreams

    Submitted on 2007-11-19 19:03:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      this reads like a hitchcock movie... y'know, all mysterious and dark and spooky and macabre and all that. definitely a scene... but one which i think could be fleshed out a bit. what i mean is... some lines are quite abstract without being anchored to something... literal, i guess. "fear divulging dark" is one of those lines. and i'd think about "silent screams" as it's been... well... overplayed a bit, y'know? just my ratty opinions, nothing more.

    so... i get a picture in my mind of a murderer... someone akin to jack the ripper in someone's home, stealing away under the cover of darkness. on a deeper level this symbolises the unease we all have with the dark side of our personalities, with that caveman instinct to protect our belongings and our life from the depredations of others... which is perfectly normal, but which brings up unpleasant thoughts.

    so, um... that's my comment for you.
    | Posted on 2008-02-17 00:00:00 | by silent strings | [ Reply to This ]

    "Fear divulging dark
    And let them sleep.
    Whisper, villain, whisper"

    it makes you think

    gud write keep it up

    | Posted on 2007-12-25 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of Coheed and Cambria. Not just because you used the word villain with more intellectual intent than another teen trying to Star Wars every fictional thing, but there is a strong essence of characterization that comes from you.

    You went to an extreme without being corny. And it worked because you didn't "give too much of science" in the piece. You forced your readers to think within a certain context without ruining it by giving too much detail. You know how it is when you're supposed to be reading a fantasy novel but all of a sudden it turns into a sci-fi thing... that's the effect that I'm glad you were able to avoid.

    On the other hand, the vagueness may be too much in this piece. I get the whole need to feel artistic and cryptic when you're simply trying to vent, but if you really want to connect, you have to artistically find the balance of things inside to meld with the things outside.

    Suppose the outside, the reader is a woman, this piece is a fabric with no base, no absolute shape. It has color and texture, but no cuts or absolute structure. And not a lot of people want to wear robes.

    But then again, reading that statement of mine, maybe this piece is just not for me; that's why I'm having a hard time connecting with it.

    Oh well.

    On the plus side; I think that your title is awesome. To me, it gives the image of minds wondering while their bodies remain in place.
    | Posted on 2007-11-20 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      I must have read this one about three times, trying to take apart each line. Very dark and surreal...The nightmares and the unknown encountered in that liminal state, that threshold between consciousness and dreaming...? One thing that I found would help would be punctuation (yes, I know, that dreaded thing):

    Lock them in
    (The piano playing
    Fear divulging dark)
    And let them sleep.
    Whisper, villain, whisper:
    Inspire –
    Escape through empty streets.
    Whisper beneath the eyelids,
    Whisper them their dreams.

    A velvet sea glides the stars
    Dividing the sleeping hearts.
    They shuffle apart in their slumber,
    As he tumbles from sight.
    The piano plays on,
    And the unease creeps.
    Silent screams
    Whispering in their dreams.

    Just a suggestion. When I first read this, I thought it read "escape through empty sheets" (dyslexia much??), but now 'streets' makes much more sense...something just came to me--the Sandman!! Morpheus!! Maybe that is who the mysterious figure here is! (Sorry, I rarely ever get sudden revelations about a poem.)

    Whisper, villain, whisper
    Inspire –
    Escape through empty streets.
    Whisper beneath the eyelids
    Whisper them their dreams

    These lines were...truly awesome. It brought a more personal connection to the poem--as if you were personally communicating with this 'villain,' this inducer of sleep. I don't know if I've even scraped your train of thought on this piece, but it sounds very nice. After all, as MacLeish said, a poem should not mean but be

    | Posted on 2007-11-19 00:00:00 | by Coeur Lazulis | [ Reply to This ]

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