November 12, 1987
You are the only one I could ever call a friend, because you didnít meet me the way most do. You didnít compliment my eyes, and I appreciate that. You thought I was awkward, and I appreciated that too. So much. You never once asked me for favors, so please forgive me. I need to ask this from you. Only you. Please, I beg of you, take my eyes Seris. I know how it sounds, but I can only ask you. Iím writing because this is the only way I can ask and tell you why.
My eyes. Everyone likes my eyes, Seris. They tell me they love my thick, long lashes, love them. They love the color, they call it ďa blue so light itís nearlyÖcolorless.Ē I remember you agreed once. You never dwelled on the matter. You never touch my hair and tell me the rage black is such a beautiful contrast. And then like them touch my back they tell me they can see themselves in my eyes. Then pull my shirt over my shoulder and wonít leave.
They do not ask, just take. But they love my eyes. I canít stand it when they touch me and I canít say it. Sometimes I donít have to kiss, that makes it better almost. Then I can pretend it isnít happening because itís just my body. It doesnít mean anything, and yet when they touch me it disgusts me. I feel sick. They wonít leave. My eyes keep them there with me, my eyes make them touch me, because they love my eyes. You never touched me.
Iím not a girl and they donít understand or they say it doesnít matter. They say Iím beautiful. My motherís Other thought I was beautiful. He loved my eyes. He liked to run his finger along the side of my jaw and ask me to get on my knees. He would ask me to look at him with my beautiful eyes and keep his gaze the whole time. I never told you this. You never said I was like a girl.
I want to take out my eyes. If they are gone then everyone will disappear too. Take my eyes and burn them. Or I will do it myself and send them to you, to burn still. No one will ever look upon them again, and they will never again cause harm. Theyíre too beautiful to stay with my filthy body. Take them please. Please Seris. Because if I take them, Iíll tell you now, I will not stop the flow of my blood. I will let it run forever.