weight loss is my aim
gaining , strength along the way
wow , i made it through one day
| I read your haiku here and then tried to rewrite it so that it struck more closely to the Japanese formula, which calls for a visually imaged scene or event tied to a season. I couldn't do it! And I don't suppose you tried to; because non Japanese poets have taken this so attractive verse-form to so many interesting places since translations came to the West about a hundred years ago. |
This haiku is about passing personal time, not a season of Nature's year. And it looks inward, as haiku are supposed to do; but not through the Japanese style of a symbol from nature; instead, it directly states your situation just as very many Western free-verse poems do. Thus, you have translated haiku form and spirit freely into the "Romantic" tradition found in Western poetry. As haiku is most suited to do, you set up a situation here, and then commented feelingly about it in the last line.
I think you must have read some haiku and loved them; but I bet the "translation" to suit your own poetic needs was unconscious! You just up and made your own haiku. I think successfully!
That's the bit of critical examination that I felt you would be most interested to hear.
I am a raving haiku fan, and I hope you make hundreds more of them and I get to read some! Thank you ...
|| Posted on 2008-09-17 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ] || Pretty good haiku .|
Thanks for sharing.
|| Posted on 2007-11-24 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ] |