i think it odd
the way we divide ourselves
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive
but please do not misunderstand:
when i said "i love you"
i wasn't offering anything
alcohol makes us family
washing over failed marriages
until home is nothing more
than a preposition
we all have reason to
forget we cannot fly
i wasn't offering anything-
my parachute is too blue to save me
I love this peice of work I think it is very true to how things are nowdays. I see myself in alot of the words posted on this peice. I feel my life is a pill of human waste. but I think that this world is always testing us and I feel that we all need to pass the tests of this life to gain a reward that we shall get in the future.
I think you're correct, this does seem a little bit incomplete. I think the most powerful line in the whole thing is :
" alcohol makes us family
washing over failed marriages
until home is nothing more
than a preposition"
it's a line that screams some explanation, even if it's something just to make it a little closer to self, yours or mine. Something in the way the line rolls off makes me want to say that the situation it comes from needs to be told. Like a story waiting to be heard, non?
or maybe I'm just crazy. I like the rest of the piece, as always, wonderful work.
well there's nothing to add on...coz it seems perfect at every angle...i loved it...and everything in it is so attached to reality...things we think all the time but forget about until we think about them next time...great job in putting it on paper...
I LOVED IT....i loved each and every single sentence..specially the last two lines...i wish i could copy it and tell people that i wrote it..lol...u r magical...do do do write more!!!i'll b keeping an eye...once again..AWESOME!
Noshin
i think it odd
the way we divide ourselves
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive
Is refusing to be whole progressive or is it a side effect of progression? They most certainly go together, but I wonder if we're really progressing in the way we should be. It would seem that to be whole would require being unaware and unconscious, you know, or connected without ego borders with everyone else in the world. but here I know you're talking a bit more about two people...
but please do not misunderstand:
when i said "i love you"
i wasn't offering anything.
your love is progressive, lol. you weren't offering either kind of unity. so it works on all those levels.
alcohol makes us family- yes. yes it does.
but after home is nothing more than a preposition, you loose me. I've got this image of a blue parachute but *sigh* it just doesn't work. it makes sense and everything and i want it to work so badly but but but
well it is rather progressive. and that (i'm discovering) is the price you pay for being progressive. not being complete and all.
...and those that parachute know that they ought to cross their legs in the event of a complete canopy failure. thus they are more easier (sic) to unscrew from the too firma terra...
...and yes; most look up (where it is blue (and pure)) because you will knot know whether or knot your canopy has deployed fully if you look down (all you will see by looking down is a fast approaching hell and expensive skydiver shoes)...
i think it odd;
the way we divide ourselves,
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive.
but please do not misunderstand:
when i said "i love you"
i wasn't offering anything...
(and)
...alcohol makes us family,
washing over failed marriages
until home is nothing
more
than a preposition
we all have reason(s) to forget
we cannot fly
i wasn't offering anything-
my parachute is too blue to save me
(and you?)
Reading this piece almost leaves me with the dirty feeling of being a voyeur peering in through the dusty windows of an upset and segmented life. You write with a style that is like a paring knife that offers the reader a peek into where you live on the inside.
I don't know that this is missing anything. I love the abrupt ending, the stunning blunt lines. It is awash in tempered resentment, as the burning fades into a dull warmth.
And if you're not sure the resolution to the situation, it would be inappropriate for the piece to be more completed. It is left with you falling, parachute dangling feebly in the background.
Does it suddenly spring up, recognizing the presence of gusting winds, slowing your descent.
This isnt the best Ive read from you but its still in a class of its own,
but anyhow I don't think the "please" is redundant,without that it would make the whole line cold,implying a bluntness you wouldn't possibly mean to someone you love or loved,
As with a lot of your work its almost got so many meanings in it that its very hard to come up with one coherent view (Ive tried and failed many times lol)
But if you think its missing something I think it may be the end,I'm not sure about the last line,
"my parachute is too blue to save me"
It just seems to lack something,like its lyrical more than poetic in the context of what you've written before,thats what didn't fit for me anyhow
I still loved the piece though,it was beautifully written with some kiler lines which have already been mentioned by these other people and it reminded me of Adrienne Rich (minus the sometimes over-bearing feminism)
Hmmm...you are right. It is missing something. An ending that ties it all together or makes it create a profound and/or enlightening point. Perhaps. It sort of lingers when it reads like something that isnt expected to linger, ya know?
Like a fly trapped in an open and empty bottle and it just cant figure out that there is an opening (sense of freedom) if it just flies out the opening at the top. Does that make sense?
It sees the world outside and batters itself against the glass wondering what is stopping it, not realizing it is what is stopping it. If it would just fly a little higher...just a little higher, it would be free.
Anyway, just my thoughts on it. Not sure exactly how to improve the write though, sorry, can't help ya there.
You've gotten enough praise on this that anything I add would be redundant. It's excellent. As to suggestions, only one: You begin the piece, "I think" and that weakens the whole thing. Every other line is a firm statement, yet all are diminished by that opening. Just say, "It's odd," and leave the rest intact. It will be stronger for that.
I come back, and you're still writing astounding pieces... I hate you for it! lol, seriously, wonderful look beneath...
the way we divide ourselves, as if refusing to be whole is progressive...
Whoa. Doesn't it feel like it sometimes? You nailed it. It's like, the whole is too easily broken, the little parts and pieces might shatter and reshatter again, but if you stay in pieces, you still have some fragment left, however less it is... it's like a survival mechanism. (Think God had the same problem, and that's why he split into a Trinity?)
Alcohol makes us family...
Anything I say to that would simply lessen it. It says everything.
And (will I point out every single line? Boy, I hope not, BUT...) the lines "...when I said "I love you," I wasn't offering anything..." That has so many meanings to it, for me at least... most prevalent being, don't lean on me (I am not stable enough myself, I have no support to spare), I like that you used the imagery of the blue parachute in the blue sky, and the sense of being lost in that vast space, blending away to nothing.... it gives me that imagery of falling UP, and just disappearing into the infinity of space.... which sounds pretty damn wonderful tonight :) Love ya, girl, keep cranking out brilliant fire and I'll keep stumbling back to warm my hands ....
This clicks with me at this exact moment of my life. And... perhaps that missing piece is what's left unsaid, that whisper, that divine breath everyone should keep to themselves once in a while to savour over, just because it makes it all more precious.
My stepfather was an alcoholic before he went vegetarian-hippy and started a topiary nursery. Some people change; most don't over the course of their lifetime... hrm, that was a random tidbit of personal info, wasn't it?
And where is home for me? I don't know sometimes. I've found it in many places, mostly the wrong ones throughout my life... but sometimes, that haven is truly a haven...
hmmm.................in need of resolve. i don't think the poem, so much is. as a piece it's nearly perfect. as near to perfect as words can be, in it's own shade of light. i think more the writer is in need of some. but i suppose that's description redundent. i get it to the extent that i think i can knowing no specifics. which in turn is probably less than i think i do. which as a poem, is what i think makes it as near perfection as i've seen in a while, but i usually gaze at light that most find dim, but i think my clouds are starting to siften the atmosphere. bleh.... where was i.
inspiration
pain
circumstance
all of these things are mortal
but true art is timeless
and i believe i'm not the only who feels your's will carry on for a very long time.
"I wasn't offering anything" (almost works as a title - but I'm not a title kind of person.
I have no suggestions to offer, as I am a believer that what is written should suffice. One gets out of writing what they read into it.
I like it and was hooked immediately after reading,
"when i said "i love you"
i wasn't offering anything"
it spoke volumes to me on a personal level and for what it is worth - it makes total sense.
To be loved is what every human being (no matter how hard some try to deny) wants. Reading too much into what others may feel towards us is probably one of the biggest and most hurtful feelings another human will experience.
So, I'm merely sharing my thoughts after reading this and letting you know I liked it :)
Lisa
My favorite lines " we all have reason to forget we cannot fly" I forget all the time...perhaps thats why i'm where i'm at right now. Alcahol makes us family...hmmm, when you say that I think of all the drunken friendships i've made and have turned out to be so mere and false...but made nonetheless. Anywho...I liked this and as short as it is, thats what I like, short and to the point. Take care,
I think that "alcohol makes us family" is a great line. To me, it's like saying, should everything fall apart, should we be free of the things that make us civil and bound by the moral grip of everything else, I can actually say and be proud to say that I love you.
Anyway, ideas... hmm...
well...
i think it odd
the way we divide ourselves
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive
but please do not misunderstand:
when i said "i love you"
i wasn't offering anything.
it is alcohol that makes us family
washing over failed marriages
until home is nothing more
than a preposition
and we all have reason to
forget we cannot fly.
but i wasn't offering anything-
my parachute is too blue
and your (say something about the other person's fate)
...
(Awkward silence)
Ok. So... does that help in anyway? I'm sorry if I made it worse or anything.
I really hope you make this work.
I see a lot of fire in this one. To me, it gives that image of being placed in a moment where you just want to make things work. In that place, you can [censored] anyway, hold anything and ask for whatever it is that your heart desires. It is a sad desperation under the influence of a substance that doesn't know how cruel it is when its effects leave and you realize that you don't have wings.
Maybe that's a good ending...
and your wings are too old to land both of us safely
Ok... maybe not. But something along those lines, I think, would do beautifully.
The thing is, we human beings tend to hold on to what we can. And I love you... is the best we can hope to make solid, grasp and hold near to our chest.
Love, I have more to say... but I need to leave. I'll come back as soon as I can and keep talking until I feel like I've paid enough for the beauty you've given me.
i think it odd
the way we divide ourselves
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive
but please do not misunderstand:
when i said "i love you"
i wasn't offering anything
alcohol makes us family
washing over failed marriages
until home is nothing more
than a preposition
we all have reason to
forget we cannot fly
i wasn't offering anything-
my parachute is too blue to save me
Refusing to be whole is one of the better known defense mechanisms to defend the psyche/core beliefs from intrusion by thoughts better left unexplored (as in the blackouts suffered by children who've witnessed traumatic events). In some cases, the numbness is a self-imposed exile meant to detach emotion from expectation to lessen the blow of repeated disappointments. Therefore loving someone does not always entail trust or invite closeness; it is a statement that accepts its own imperfections. But do we?
If the entire sky is your parachute, you must feel very safe; blue on blue is excellent camoflauge against darkness.
think it odd
the way we divide ourselves
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive
back in the old days when people married it lasted. for the better or for the worse(in scotland they say"you,ve made your bed now lie in it")nowadays people seem to get divorced really quick, if things aren,t going to well,that,s it finished.and the funny thing is it,s modern.
here in germany we have a female politician, who wanted to bring in a new law.when people get married they have to stay married for at least seven years.you know like the seven year itch.needless to say nobody took her seriously.
i think maybe people say the words i love you without actually knowing what it really means.love is a great mystery, it may have certain rules but they don,t apply to everyone.you can,t buy it,you can,t sell it,our only hope is to experience it.someday, somewhere. sad but true poem.thanks for the read.
this speaks volumes to me of us as a ME species as opposed to us as a WE species.
"i think it odd the way we divide ourselves".
its amazing to me that each and every one of us has this thing,i'm not sure what to call it,this thing in us that makes us actually think that we are somehow different or set apart with our own little unique set of circumstances that no one else could possibly understand. crazy,just loco when you realize...
"when i said i love you i wasn't offering anything"
i wonder how often people actually say those words in order to gather love to themselves rather than give something genuine to someone else?
not feeling warm and fuzzy?
home life in shambles?
life got ya down?
here; drink some of this.
have another on me.
one more.
sadly sometimes it's the only way we can tolerate each other. lets face it.
the W in we is only an upside down M.
"my parachute is too blue to save me"
this has got to be an all time favorite line.
it is.
the way those words hold each other...
truly perfectly melancholy.
did i happen to mention that i love 47? i'm all about 3's and sevens. i'm not even sure why.
it's not like they bring me luck or anything. guess i just like the way they feel.
i'm sorry(i guess?),but i don't really have any actual critique to throw your way.
nice.
1
hmmm. Okay, there is an 'l' missing in please. Did I pass the test?
i think it odd
the way we divide ourselves
as if refusing to be whole
is progressive
(this is a great line)
I almost think you could drop the please line completely as it would keep the 2 stanzas 4 lines then 2 lines.
In stanza 2... what about?
alcohol makes us family
washes over failed marriages
until home is nothing more
than a thread-bare preposition
(or something of that nature)
Also, instead of cannot...can't in S2L6
(as it changes the rythmn a bit and would adhere to the use of contractions throughout the piece)
Other than that I have no suggestions.
Alcohol and family don't always mix... I come from a long line of tipsters. It can become uncomfortable to say the least when behaviour is unpredictable. This almost seems like a tough love response, as one needs to be able to care for themselves, replenish themselves, step away from the situation. Loving sometimes means you can't offer a thing and it is out of love that you make that choice. Just my read of course.
Submission Name: untitled # 47
