Meaningful Day by charmedidentity

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Submission Name: Meaningful Day dots

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Author:	charmedidentity
ASL Info:	19/F/International
Elite Ratio:	7.37 - 776/738/286
Words:	214

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	135
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1264

Description:
What is a day worth?

Meaningful Day dots

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I’m stationary in a world filled with motion
Observing in a pace only I can understand
Attempting to conquer the barriers of confusion
While the sparkles of the world shine in my eyes.
I try my best not to keep my eyes shut too long
From the illumination of the moving objects
And I try not to fall on the ground to my knees
While the wind blows its force to my face.

I have one day to change the path I choose,
Who knows what will happen if I only wait,
That road may speak a different weather,
I may no longer have the chance to walk there.

One day of difference is all I need to hear
To rush the adrenaline of consciousness
By realizing that I may not have forever
That sometimes one day changes so much.

I’m an element of a world filled with life
Waiting to be free from my own friction
To deliver to this place the best of myself
While darkness fools around with my weakness.
I have twice the strength of the light’s brightness
To catch the magic of the shifting sparkles
And I have all the courage to conquer the barriers
I have in my hands the importance of a day.

Submitted on 2007-11-22 14:17:11 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
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3: meh!
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||| Comments |||
Hey! The first two lines were brilliant. I'd wonder how much more better this write would be if you eliminated the "I" and "me" words and expanded it into something more universal, ya know? These thoughts are just begging to break free from the individual state that they are currently presented in.

Does that make sense? If it kinda makes sense but kinda really doesnt, then step back and read it as if you hadn't written it. You will find these words and are begging to be let free even though the message and emotion are already flyiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg!!!!!

| Posted on 2007-12-03 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
Stationary eh? Going at a pace only you can appreciate?
Though the two ideas are noble in their intent, they also show flawed facades in that, somebody who is stationary doesn't change in disposition, which could be taken as narrow mindedness. This is initially only a flaw because I see it that way, and I surmise my obnoxious scrutiny is well ranked as overkill.

So in your first sentence you introduce yourself as that starlit curious child of the world. Second sentence, you permeate yourself from vice with excuses, offering up personal explanations. Don't you think the idea of changing the path you choose to be paradoxical ? I guess not since you wrote it, but if you think about it... I have one day to change the path I choose... I guess this makes your day meaningful since, in your day, you make an ultimatum change - Today or never. I find your punctuation asphyxiating in this strophe, you dropped that sentence-like style and suddenly aspersed your qualities. Look at this:

I have one day to change the path I choose - (10)
Who knows what will happen if I should wait? (10)
That road may speak a different weather; (why not?)
I may no longer have this hap, this walk. (10 all around now).

I know metering isn't important to you in this piece, but a little thought here and there can add this magical touch that most can't place their digits on. I don't think you should impent your word choice to my suggestions, even use my suggestions. I assume that you like I would feel it unauthentic, but I figured this would be an opportune moment to show you other details...

When you say difference, do you mean caring? Again, here you could drop the first letters and minimize them in that rhetorical idiosyncrasy. There is no greater realization than that of our limitations, and before Einstein, time remained the one immutable absolute limit. Now, not even the sky is the limit.

You reiterate your disposition (A jewel in this piece, well done, coming back to the beginning and such - I've always found loops to be prettty!). I find "To deliver to this.." awkward - not as in it's bad, merely unwilling to be enunciated by my tongue, if you know what I mean. Darkness fools around with my weakness... I did find that part a little weak. It's ambiguous in that "I don't want to stop writing, but I don't know what to say" mindlessness. I don't mean to offend you with that detail, merely an opinion; a pace, one that we can share, or not. Could I suggest instead of barriers, once again a pretty loop though not as pretty because you use barriers again, the use of finite.

Quo Vadis? Are you insinuating Carpe Diem, or something more infatuating than that? A glint of motivation, not the knowing that life is meant to be lived and appreciated, but the motivation seemingly natural, seemingly innate to love. Magic is a child's toy as well, so I suggest being weary when you contextualize the word - there is a limit between a beautiful fairy tale and that notion of a mature beauty.

I hope I haven't bored you or annoyed you... Or even offended you. I did like this piece - both because it applies to me in a personal sense, and because it has potential to be a piece the world can look up to; it shares clarity, singularity and a morality we should all practice.

-Prom
| Posted on 2007-11-23 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

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