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    dots Submission Name: classical suicidedots

    Author: gothicgirl
    ASL Info:    23/f/recreant world
    Elite Ratio:    3.49 - 127/111/48
    Words: 166
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 781
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1052

       this has so emotion but its hard to follow my minds kida of working faster then it should.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsclassical suicidedots

    mellowdramatic emotions intertwined in waters of this generations suicide,
    forbidden fruits swaying temptation as the music comes to life,
    the notes dancing rithmicly turning to knives before our eyes,
    sliting our wrists in a melody of homicide.
    moments passing by leaving only agony and pain
    atagonizing memories in a straight jaket
    for the mentally insane.
    padded white walls echoing my voices as
    they scream at me to die.
    my eyes do not give way
    as they plead for me to cry.
    drowned by the things i can not change in life
    doomed from the begining to fall at the hand of fates seraded knife,
    i walk the path of least resistence
    nakid and defenceless.
    my contempt hums a tune twiraling within the wind,
    giving me hope that this angush
    may have a chance to mend.
    while i chase the waves of sound
    and they fade inside the room
    dancing to the melody of death
    for i know its comming soon.

    Submitted on 2007-11-24 23:45:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You have what I consider a melodic ear. Regardless of
    the subject matter this poem sounds good. If it were
    my poem I would play around with the format. A judicious use of white space would accomplish several things. One you can keep the rhyme yet make it appear to be free verse. This helps get the meter Nazis off you case. Anyway I played around with your poem maybe it will give you some ideas
    of your own.

    Melodramatic emotions intertwine
    engulfed by the coal stained waters of this generation's suicide.
    Forbidden fruits sway in temptation
    as the music comes to life.

    The notes are dancing rhythmically
    turning into knives before our eyes.
    We proudly slit our wrists in a melody of homicide.
    Moments passing by leave agony and pain.

    Antagonizing memories make us their slaves,
    straight jacket shackles
    for the mentally insane.
    Padded white walls echoing our voices.

    They scream at us to die.

    Our eyes will not give way
    as they plead for us to cry.
    Drowned by the horror we cannot change in life
    doomed from the beginning to fall at the hand
    of fates serrated knife.

    We walk the path of least resistance
    naked and defenseless.
    Our contempt hums a tune twirling in the wind,
    giving us hope that anguish
    may have a chance to mend.

    While we chase the waves of sound
    and they fade inside the room
    we dance to the melody of a death
    we know is coming soon.
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]

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