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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Unexcapabledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Aangskate
    ASL Info:    18/male
    Elite Ratio:    3.32 - 133/117/44
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 960
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 492



    Description:
       I dont like this one as much as Madness...but I need some advice! So please comment! Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnexcapabledots
    -------------------------------------------


    Rain falls
    Darkness calls,
    me by my name
    its not a game
    this hunger within
    cannnot be quenched, drowning in my sin.

    This beast inside
    never dies,
    night comes
    engulfing me
    I try to flee.

    Save me from this world
    bring the sword
    lash it out
    I will not flench.

    I scream in agony
    my voice is lonely
    the voice is fear
    I shed a tear.





    Submitted on 2007-11-25 15:35:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hey its me again. I really like your writing, so i decided to put you under the people i'm stalking. Is that okay?

    Anyways, this is a great poem, like always! You are better than I am, though i hate to admit it. I havent had time to post my poems yet, and the ones i have are not my best.

    | Posted on 2008-05-16 00:00:00 | by dthforeverpain8 | [ Reply to This ]
      very nice. slightly emo. but still interesting.
    | Posted on 2008-04-07 00:00:00 | by insanegemini | [ Reply to This ]
      I think "cannot" is spelt "can not" I'm not sure though. The poem had a nice rythmic flow. Ummm... I geuss thats all, keep it up your a great writer.
    | Posted on 2007-11-27 00:00:00 | by Coripa | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, i'm a bsaically speahess, i love it. to me it flowed wonderfully, you really captured the feeeling of pain here. great job ^_^
    | Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh wow i loved this poem. to me it flowed nicely!
    | Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by Demon__666 | [ Reply to This ]
      First stanza:

    Rain falls
    Darkness calls,
    me by my name
    its not a game
    this hunger within
    cannnot be quelched, drowning in my sin.

    [Cannot and Quenched, hon. Also no comma after darkness calls.]

    Third stanza:

    Save me from this world
    bring the sword
    lash it out
    I will not flench

    [Flinch, hon. Also, I see you're trying to use punctuation with this poem. Rule of thumb: stick with it or don't do it at all. It ruins the flow of the poem.]

    [Otherwise, good poem. Just a few fixer-uppers. Oh, and maybe you'll adopt this ideal, it's a cleaner more linear looking poem if you make sure all stanzas are the same length.]
    | Posted on 2007-11-25 00:00:00 | by SanctityExposed | [ Reply to This ]


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