Unexcapable by Aangskate

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Submission Name: Unexcapable dots

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Author:	Aangskate
ASL Info:	15/female/lame
Elite Ratio:	2.48 - 71/66/18
Words:	71

Class/Type:	Poetry/Longing
Total Views:	218
Average Vote:	4.0000
Bytes:	492

Description:
I dont like this one as much as Madness...but I need some advice! So please comment! Thanks.

Unexcapable dots

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Rain falls
Darkness calls,
me by my name
its not a game
this hunger within
cannnot be quenched, drowning in my sin.

This beast inside
never dies,
night comes
engulfing me
I try to flee.

Save me from this world
bring the sword
lash it out
I will not flench.

I scream in agony
my voice is lonely
the voice is fear
I shed a tear.

Submitted on 2007-11-25 15:35:21 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Hey its me again. I really like your writing, so i decided to put you under the people i'm stalking. Is that okay?

Anyways, this is a great poem, like always! You are better than I am, though i hate to admit it. I havent had time to post my poems yet, and the ones i have are not my best.

| Posted on 2008-05-16 00:00:00 | by dthforeverpain8 | [ Reply to This ]
  very nice. slightly emo. but still interesting.
| Posted on 2008-04-07 00:00:00 | by insanegemini | [ Reply to This ]
  I think "cannot" is spelt "can not" I'm not sure though. The poem had a nice rythmic flow. Ummm... I geuss thats all, keep it up your a great writer.
| Posted on 2007-11-27 00:00:00 | by Coripa | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, i'm a bsaically speahess, i love it. to me it flowed wonderfully, you really captured the feeeling of pain here. great job ^_^
| Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh wow i loved this poem. to me it flowed nicely!
| Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by Demon__666 | [ Reply to This ]
  First stanza:

Rain falls
Darkness calls,
me by my name
its not a game
this hunger within
cannnot be quelched, drowning in my sin.

[Cannot and Quenched, hon. Also no comma after darkness calls.]

Third stanza:

Save me from this world
bring the sword
lash it out
I will not flench

[Flinch, hon. Also, I see you're trying to use punctuation with this poem. Rule of thumb: stick with it or don't do it at all. It ruins the flow of the poem.]

[Otherwise, good poem. Just a few fixer-uppers. Oh, and maybe you'll adopt this ideal, it's a cleaner more linear looking poem if you make sure all stanzas are the same length.]
| Posted on 2007-11-25 00:00:00 | by SanctityExposed | [ Reply to This ]

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