[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Peppermint Trafficdots

    Author: Jester_Gesture
    ASL Info:    23/f
    Elite Ratio:    3.41 - 365/459/201
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1071
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 521


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPeppermint Trafficdots

    For every hour that moves too slow
    there's a night that just passes.
    I can't see the stars out here.
    Twinkle twinkle headlights,
    untwisted candy cane stripes of
    red and white down the freeway.
    Peppermint traffic, stop and go.

    For every white dash
    there's a mile of yellow line.
    And every city that swallows the sky
    and digests the sea of cars
    is one less eternity
    keeping us hungry for destination.

    Submitted on 2007-11-26 02:29:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      for every place our heart settles as we go travel through life there is yet another town to find, and the yellow line...nice touch...for the dashes...the places where we make changes there are miles of road that keep us in the same direction, same path in life, whether we like it or not...

    often when we are unhappy, time passes too slowly...but when we are happy it rushes past us like cop car (flashing lights) chasing someone...

    we chase dreams but get stalled...and end up in slow traffic...

    as each eternity finally passes..we still find ourselves searching for destination

    i really like the ending...and i see this poem as a pretty well done metaphor...

    i sometimes wish the traffic would move faster, there are not enough spots to pass.

    | Posted on 2011-03-23 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I almost agree with Paradox. This feels like it could be much much longer. There's an idea and story building within this poem and you should let it free. For now, as it is, it just feels like a random idea you got while in traffic, now try to expand it.
    | Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by Jakirina | [ Reply to This ]
      "For every hour that moves too slow
    there's a night that just passes."

    Great opening lines. You got something going on here. The ending is not that good though. Maybe you could write another stanza for it. Just an ideea. The poem is good as it is...
    | Posted on 2007-11-26 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]