Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
    • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
    • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Girl in Graydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Zaftigical
    Elite Ratio:    1.86 - 4/4/3
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 98
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 687



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Girl in Graydots
    -------------------------------------------


    The Girl in Grey

    I reek with paranoia, there are always large hands
    grey and pasty
    nosing their way through the glass
    beckoning me over to them in faux soothing tones.

    What ifs will kill me someday, that is what people tell me.
    Nosy little mice, contaminating me with panic–
    listen!

    I run before I know what I am running from.

    The apartment becomes rusty and the appliances all click and churn
    –or is it the appliances?
    One second is all it takes to die a ghastly death

    –after all.
    I do not even check the time before I run for my life.




    Submitted on 2007-11-26 22:47:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Grey is a fitting colour for paranoia. And the imagery you use--appliances, mice, the hands--reflects this well. The spacing and rhythm of this is frenetic and disorderly, again, very fitting.

    I could hazard a guess and say this piece directly reflects you, but hey, this is writing, so one can never tell if it's personal or not.

    One slight nit for you to consider, which is in your first line: "there are always large hands"... how about dropping "there are always"? This reduces unnecessary syntax (to me) and makes it more concise and rhythmic. But hey, just my two cents.

    But anyway, thought I'd pop over and finally get around to commenting. You should post more. And comment more...

    An interesting piece.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-11-28 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.