Turns out, our favorite yeast-filled friend is public enemy number one. Research on bread indicates that:
1) More than 98% of convicted felons are bread users.
2) Half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3) In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died during childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4) More than 90% of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5) Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The real shocker? The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6) Newborn babies can choke on bread.
7) Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8) Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and perhaps cold cuts.
9) Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90% water, it is suggested that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10) Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
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In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:
1) No sale of bread to minors.
2) A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3) A 300% federal tax on all bread to pay for any societal ills we might associate with bread.
4) No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5) The establishment of "Bread-Free" zones around schools. |
Submission Name: bread is dangerous
