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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Pressuredots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sir Fusting
    Elite Ratio:    1.38 - 5/33/25
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1228
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 472



    Description:
       I want honest, brutal opinions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPressuredots
    -------------------------------------------


    Breathing harder and harder, calm your chest, you'll draw in attention,
    It's too late, all eyes are on you, waiting in constant suspension,
    Swallow down the dust, form the words with your quivering lips,
    Make sense of your thoughts, what comes next, you're all out of tricks,
    Overwhelming pressure closing in, hold your breath and you might not die,
    Release, push out the air and suck in sweet life,
    I'm alive.




    Submitted on 2007-12-01 23:15:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Now see, "this" said something to me. It had a sense of completion though. It makes a big difference when something that's written, even if it's just a random thought, isn't just floating, but has something that's actually memorable to say. Good job.
    | Posted on 2007-12-05 00:00:00 | by gavinspikenard | [ Reply to This ]
      I've been reading some of your works and I can definetiley see your style, and its a good style. Your usually make your poems very broad/genral in trms of subject, but restrict it in terms of experience. I also think you need more work with describing emotions; you do use some good descriptive wrods but you need to work on that more.

    I was also confused. You start out with this idea of suspension and fear of people discovering the inner you and edn with this idea of new life. I didn't see a clear tranistion there.

    I think you could have done more with this, though the beginning was pretty good.

    Keep writing!!
    | Posted on 2007-12-04 00:00:00 | by TheStillSilence | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this and how you put it so that any one can feel it. Short and sweet <3
    | Posted on 2007-12-03 00:00:00 | by informations | [ Reply to This ]
      Well as iaida said this is pretty good but the lines are too long. That kinda kills the flow and makes this look more like a journal entry than a poem...
    | Posted on 2007-12-02 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      this was in good detail, and gave good explanation,...i dont think there is anything wrong with this besides the fact that i didnt enjoy it as much as your other latest poem(which i had also commented)
    | Posted on 2007-12-02 00:00:00 | by iaida | [ Reply to This ]
      pretty good....didnt thrill me greatly...but was better then the average of what is submitted alot......
    | Posted on 2007-12-02 00:00:00 | by iaida | [ Reply to This ]


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