A past not decent
precedes my arrival
and a future uncertain
may be all I offer
but for our love
please have faith
not only in me
but in what may come
the many things unsaid
that I promise you
The way that it feels
when we find intimacy
the way I want to feel
until my last breath
the way that you smile
when I'm just me
and being so sweet
If alll you want
is to be happy
or if you just want
to be loved
you'll never be
left wanting
Maybe you just
never want to be alone
Don't worry
I will never leave
I have so much
that I can give
So many things
that you'll never need
as long as
you have faith in me
its choppy and could stand to be reformatted, maybe include something called punctuation?
It has a ton to offer and reading it as is - it spills off the screen in a rushed ramble. The sentiment is sweet and more than most people are willing to give. But the sweetness gets lost in the intense speed of it .
Let me explain. I'll use high school clichés (im a sad individual, sue me. wait, im broke too.) to try and describe it.
The high school Mathletes captain- rushing over to the cool kids' table and desperately grasping the Girl-Too-Hot-To-Live-Next-Door's hand, and inhis nervouseness, explains through the spray of spit from his retainer - how much he loves the girl and wants to offer.
(i get off work 3am - sometimes Dawson's Creek is all thats on tv)
and now that i reread that, i apologize. the poem is nothing like that. it simply has the rushed, rash akwardness of high school presentation.
you have some sweet ( as in dude, sweet!) nice lines going for you and youve a clever way of using the simple to offer the most complicated gift.
thoughts; hmmm...
i dont think the form fits the thought or emotion behind the words being spoken. i think it would work better written out in full sentences; still poetic but leaning toward proseishness if ya feel me. it just rides along a little choppy, thats all.
other than that i would say,wow that is a huge offering to offer someone. if they accept are you prepared? kidding.
favorite line; the way that you smile when i'm just me
awww shucks.
nice
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Submission Name: Faith #1
