Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
    • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
    • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Please Linger, Mortal Mandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LadyInRed88
    ASL Info:    19/f/MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.68 - 131/180/32
    Words: 180
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 484
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1295



    Description:
       Well... I tried alliteration for the first time in this poem and I found it very hard to do! The whole thing turned out whimsical and carefree.. and *sighs* it tells about everything I want to do right now. :0) Hope you like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPlease Linger, Mortal Mandots
    -------------------------------------------


    Let's dream in a dancing field of daffodils,
    and feel danger die upon our docile skin...
    Let's drink the drops of rain that drown the daisies,
    and dare distant clouds to darken again...

    Let's wander about white winters,
    Let's live without ever wondering why...
    Let's wither away by whispering waters,
    and watch the weary stars float by...

    Let's sail away on those stars of silver,
    until our souls meet the skies of the seas...
    Let's savor the softness that holds us,
    and taste the *silence* that we speak...

    Let's live life on eachother's lips,
    Let's live life in a mystical land...
    Let's lie down among the velvet lilies,
    O, please linger, mortal man....

    Let's make love and remember it as magic,
    Memories of moonlight on your face will fill my mind...
    O, among the Golden Mountains Magesty,
    I'll make your mythical love all mine...

    Let's take time to touch the tainted moon,
    and taste the tears of the deserted sky...
    Let's tend to the swaying thistle,
    and stay together in eachother's turqouise eyes...




    Submitted on 2004-06-25 00:39:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      the 4th stanza is the best and i would push it to the end. "O, please linger, mortal man..." has a sort of ending tone to it. stuff coming after that is a bit of a surprise.

    "and stay together in eachother's turqouise eyes..." this is a bit wordy, so i would cut out the words "together in"...

    overall, it's a beautiful poem. very dream-like and soothing... nice one!
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      you're probably right! haha, why didn't i think of that? i'll think about that statement being an oxymoron, depends whether it'll change the whole prose or not. thank you though, very much :).

    anyway, this was outstanding :). it does seem carefree and blissful, despite everything. and the longing of you, begging him to stay a while longer. and you make it seem so empathetic and persuasive, that indeed he'll be bound to stay with you and do things that you recited. beautiful
    Take care.
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by wordsofmind | [ Reply to This ]
      'Let's take time to touch the tainted moon,
    and taste the tears of the deserted sky...'
    gorgeous! brilliant! wow! i love it! man... when i read your description i was like damn! whats alliteration again... haha! and it aint THAT long since i been out of school either (though admittedly i didnt go to school to learn...) anyways you did brilliantly! awesome write!
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      Rhymes- good
    Hidden sense- found
    Grade: B

    It was slightly too long ,but because the whole thing was very interesting I decided to finish reading it. I identified it as the plans of the future with a certain ammount of romance. I liked it very much. Waiting for more poems by you.
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by WriterX | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem was awesome. Got a dreamy feeling from it, passionate as well. I liked how every line started with lets. Good ryhme scheme. Thanks for your comment
    | Posted on 2004-06-25 00:00:00 | by Emmalee | [ Reply to This ]
      This takes your reader to a weak ending... the rhymes and imagery are good throughout, but Im left to wonder why the drop off at the end... this is one of those writes that could go on for as long as you want it to... not a bad effect for subject matter that could go on endlessly... I kinda like the style, yet I don't like to choose my own ending
    | Posted on 2004-07-11 00:00:00 | by Crash | [ Reply to This ]



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry
    This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.