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Orchestra


Author: Inkybro
ASL Info:    17/M/Oklahoma
Elite Ratio:    3.33 - 55 /69 /39
Words: 87
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 976
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 618



Description:


All-time low, anyone?


Orchestra



You'd like to call yourself
So clever
So smart
And so sweet
If only you knew
The bells that you ring
You'd build up a chorus
And write out a rhyme
And strike up the band
Together in time
Notes hit my throat
Course through my veins
Like needle-ships sailing
I'd soak up their pain
And they'd pull up a smile
Slapped on their face
A soapy empire
And a sun in the rain
I think I'm confused
Or maybe insane
I'm definitely crazy
And probably lame




Submitted on 2007-12-04 22:37:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Wonderful.
I love any type of music poem, but especially this one because it sounds like music is being played when you read it out loud.

One thing I might change is the colloquial word use of "lame." The whole poem is full of--for lack of a better word--"poemy" words and then lame comes at the end and sounds a little out of place. It might have been intentional though, so who am I to judge?

Very nice in general though.
| Posted on 2007-12-10 00:00:00 | by wovenwords | [ Reply to This ]
  Isn't it amazing what thoughts and words can do?! I love metaphors and plays on words! Most of us can admit to feeling "crazy and lame" a time or two.

One of the truths I've found in writing is that you can poke lots of fun without offending anyone as long as you make fun of yourself. I realize this is a very serious write, but I see the potential in you to write humor. Perhaps you already do; or, if you don't, I'd encourage you to consider the possibility.

Sharon
| Posted on 2007-12-09 00:00:00 | by Peggy Paris | [ Reply to This ]
  wow! way to go! i really like it. maybe its just me but poems tht either have metophors to music or are about music are usually pretty good! you did wonderfully. i love how you related your feelings for this special someone by relating her additude to an orchestra. the metophors were wounderfully used. i would love to have something to criticize but..alas i can not find any thing.
may be next time try to seperate into stanzas! great

annie!
| Posted on 2007-12-05 00:00:00 | by annie smith | [ Reply to This ]


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