You'd like to call yourself
So clever
So smart
And so sweet
If only you knew
The bells that you ring
You'd build up a chorus
And write out a rhyme
And strike up the band
Together in time
Notes hit my throat
Course through my veins
Like needle-ships sailing
I'd soak up their pain
And they'd pull up a smile
Slapped on their face
A soapy empire
And a sun in the rain
I think I'm confused
Or maybe insane
I'm definitely crazy
And probably lame
Wonderful.
I love any type of music poem, but especially this one because it sounds like music is being played when you read it out loud.
One thing I might change is the colloquial word use of "lame." The whole poem is full of--for lack of a better word--"poemy" words and then lame comes at the end and sounds a little out of place. It might have been intentional though, so who am I to judge?
Isn't it amazing what thoughts and words can do?! I love metaphors and plays on words! Most of us can admit to feeling "crazy and lame" a time or two.
One of the truths I've found in writing is that you can poke lots of fun without offending anyone as long as you make fun of yourself. I realize this is a very serious write, but I see the potential in you to write humor. Perhaps you already do; or, if you don't, I'd encourage you to consider the possibility.
wow! way to go! i really like it. maybe its just me but poems tht either have metophors to music or are about music are usually pretty good! you did wonderfully. i love how you related your feelings for this special someone by relating her additude to an orchestra. the metophors were wounderfully used. i would love to have something to criticize but..alas i can not find any thing.
may be next time try to seperate into stanzas! great
Submission Name: Orchestra
annie!